The Dynasty Aftermath: My Wife Attempts the Beer Mile

Ken Kelly

Welcome to DLF’s Dynasty Aftermath. This staple article is our longest running signature piece as we have a little fun after a tough week at the Dynasty League Football office. You’ll find this article will review the week’s happenings in a variety of ways and help set you up for the coming weeks as we spin around the league in the way we know best. Expect it each and every week.

I’ve written this column for over fifteen years and I really do enjoy it. I love combing through the stats of the week, putting together ridiculous lineups, picking MVPs/LVPs and discussing things to worry about.

That’s not all.

I also really love sharing little bits of my life with the community of DLF and picking a theme for this column each week. You really never know what you’re going to get. In fact, I’ll reserve the right to change my theme ideas if something cool happens like my friend peeing their pants at the Goodwill. If you missed one this year, click below:

Week One: The time I ordered The Peloton
Week Two: The time I went Vegan
Week Three: The time I went snowboarding without a Sherpa
Week Four: The time I found my Lack of Mystical Kung-Fu Powers
Week Five: The time my Mom thought she was going to prison for Bootlegging
Week Six: The time my Cousin’s friend turned into Lee Harvey Oswald
Week Seven: The Time I turned into Ben Matlock in Juvenile Court
Week Eight: Election Day
Week Nine: A Tribute to Alex Trebek
Week Ten: The time my Cousin got his Head stuck at the Bowling Alley
Week Eleven: A Thanksgiving Tribute
Week Twelve: The Time an F-150 Tried to Play Centerfield

I’ve mentioned before about my wife’s obsession with fitness. She also likes beer. Those are two very enduring qualities to me because I too like beer and I can tolerate at least talking about exercise. I will say it wasn’t cool when I was almost asleep last night and she woke me up because she was excited to find a new ab workout, though. Even I, the most patient man in America, have my limits.

A couple of years ago, she found out about a beer mile. For those of you who don’t know, a beer mile is a race where you chug a beer, run a quarter mile, then do it again until you’ve completed your four laps or die in the process. To me, that sounded like a terrible idea, but to her it was mixing two of her favorite things. She somehow talked one of her friends into doing this with her (she’s also a good athlete and up for a fun adventure) and her husband (also a good friend of mine) was wise enough to avoid it, but smart enough to join me to watch the carnage.

When we arrived at the event, my decision was reinforced as we found out each lap had to be preceded by a pint of craft beer.  Yep, fine NW craft beer, not some watered down 12-ounce domestic stuff. I asked both of the girls if they still wanted to follow through and they were emphatic about wanting to do it. There were about 50 or so participants and the spectators had to watch from outside.

Then it happened.

I know my wife is competitive (they called her “half-step” in college because she always has to be one half step ahead of you whenever she runs or walks with you), but I saw a side of her I had never seen on this day. When the gun went off, all the participants grabbed their pints and went to town. About six seconds later, we saw a blur coming out of the building and sprinting for lap one. Yep, that was her.  She had fired down a pint faster than you could drink a glass of water and was done with the first lap before most even left the building.

Enter the beauty of a runner’s stomach.

She was in the building working on round two and we started seeing more and more people coming out with no sign of her. She finally came out, moving much slower than normal. After she rounded the bend, she hit the grass and it was on. Yep. The beer wouldn’t stay down. To make it worse, two more guys started throwing up as they left the building. It then turned into the scene from Stand by Me where “Lard Ass” drinks the castor oil and starts the puke fest at the County Fair.

At one point, my friend saw one guy heaving into the garbage can and shouted, “Get that man some chili!”  Dear lord, it was a mess and we looked like geniuses by not participating. I have it on video and watching it in slow motion is fantastic.  “Geeeeeeeettt thaaaaaaat maaaaaaaaan soooooooome chiiiiiiiiillllllllllliiiiii!”

In the end, it took just one round of throwing up for my wife to rally and they both finished the race, her friend wisely pacing herself.  What did they say when it was over? “Hey, we should do that again!” To this day, I know deep down my wife is upset she didn’t win the whole thing.

So, what does this teach us about fantasy football?  You could have a season that makes you have to vomit, miss out on the playoffs and find yourself on the sidelines. Get yourself up off the mat and do it again – we’ll be there for you all off-season. Just please don’t drink and run this Holiday season.

Let’s do it.

Week Thirteen Fantasy MVP

The tight end position is crazy this season, but one constant has been the play of Darren Waller, who posted a career game with 13 catches, 200 receiving yards and two touchdowns this week. The tight end position has played out in a very clear way – Travis Kelce is the TE1, Darren Waller is the TE2, then you have everyone else.

Week Thirteen Fantasy LVP

When Clyde Edwards-Helaire was deemed to be active for the week, just about every owner stuck him in their lineup and walked away. Instead, CEH was simply active only in case of emergency and didn’t play a single snap. There’s no doubt this cost a lot of fantasy teams a trip to the playoffs.

The Unbeatable Lineup of the Week

QB Josh Allen BUF = 318 passing yards, 24 rushing yards, four touchdowns
RB Dalvin Cook MIN = 120 rushing yards, six catches, 59 receiving yards
RB Aaron Jones GB = 130 rushing yards, three catches, 18 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB James Robinson JAX = 78 rushing yards, six catches, 30 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Corey Davis TEN = 11 catches, 182 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Davante Adams GB = Ten catches, 121 receiving yards, two touchdowns
WR Cole Beasley BUF = Nine catches, 130 receiving yards, one touchdown
TE Darren Waller LV = 13 catches, 200 receiving yards, two touchdowns

The Underdog Lineup of the Week

QB Derek Carr LV = 381 passing yards, four total touchdowns
RB David Montgomery CHI = 72 rushing yards, four catches, 39 receiving yards, two touchdowns
RB Ty Johnson NYJ = 104 rushing yards, two catches, 13 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB JD McKissic WAS = Eight rushing yards, ten catches, 70 receiving yards
WR Keke Coutee HOU = Eight catches, 141 receiving yards
WR Marvin Jones DET = Eight catches, 116 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR TY Hilton IND = Eight catches, 110 receiving yards, one touchdown
TE Dan Arnold ARI = Two catches, 61 receiving yards, two touchdowns

The Disappointing Lineup of the Week

QB Justin Herbert LAC = 209 passing yards, two interceptions
RB Clyde Edwards-Helaire KC = Nothing
RB Antonio Gibson WAS = 14 rushing yards
RB Todd Gurley ATL = 16 rushing yards, one catch, four receiving yards
WR Travis Fulgham PHI = No catches as he hits rock bottom
WR Jerry Jeudy DEN = One catch, five receiving yards
WR Terry McLaurin WAS = Two catches, 14 receiving yards
TE Hunter Henry LAC = One catch, five receiving yards

Gut Checks

I’d be worried if I had given up on Josh Allen.

I’d be worried if I thought Kareem Hunt was better than Nick Chubb.

I’d be worried if I was relying on Austin Hooper.

I’d be worried if I owned Justin Herbert. He needs a bounce back if you have him for the playoffs.

I’d be worried if I was still holding out hope for Bryce Love.

I’d be worried if I drop Wayne Gallman in the off-season. He’s a free agent and has earned a job somewhere.

I’d be worried if I owned AJ Brown. He’s just not right at the moment.

I’d be worried if I thought I knew what to expect from the Steelers receivers in any given week.

I’d be worried if I was playing against a stack of Aaron Rodgers and Davante Adams.

I’d be worried if I was still playing Phillip Lindsay.

I’d be worried if I owned Drew Lock. I just don’t see him as the future.

I’d be worried if I was ignoring Collin Johnson.

I’d be worried if I was relying on Julio Jones for the playoffs.

I’d be worried if I thought Zach Ertz was the best tight end in Philadelphia.

I’d be worried if I hadn’t bought low on Cam Akers. Window closed, folks.

I’d be worried if I still owned Chris Herndon.

I’d be worried if I owned Alvin Kamara. He’s not the same with Taysom Hill under center.

I’d be worried if I thought David Montgomery was going to do that again.

I’d be worried if I was still holding out hope for Sammy Watkins.

I’d be worried if I thought James Conner was going to breathe life into the Pittsburgh running game.

The top scoring rookies through week Twelve

I’m adding the scoring change from week-to-week so you can see how each performance is affecting their averages – this could help you in determining any buy or sell opportunities.

1.) Justin Herbert QB LAC = 25.72 (-1.73)
2.) Joe Burrow QB CIN = 21.37 (No change)
3.) James Robinson RB JAX = 18.82 (+0.37)
4.) Justin Jefferson WR MIN = 17.43 (+0.90)
5.) Tua Tagovailoa QB MIA = 16.90 (-0.73)

6.) Antonio Gibson RB WAS = 15.63 (-1.29)
7.) Brandon Aiyuk WR SF = 15.22 (+0.66)
8.) Chase Claypool WR PIT = 14.55 (-0.80)

9.) D’Andre Swift RB DET = 14.18 (No change)
10.) Clyde Edwards-Helaire RB KC = 13.87 (No change)
11.) Jake Luton QB JAX = 13.50 (No change)
12.) Jonathan Taylor RB IND = 13.36 (+1.09)
13.) CeeDee Lamb WR DAL = 13.26 (-0.24)
14.) Tee Higgins WR CIN = 13.26 (-0.23)
15.) Salvon Ahmed RB MIA = 10.73 (No change)
16.) Laviska Shenault WR JAX = 9.63 (+0.69)
17.) Jerry Jeudy WR DEN = 9.12 (-0.68)
18.) JK Dobbins RB BAL = 8.95 (+0.42)
19.) Denzel Mims WR NYJ = 8.90 (-0.18)
20.) Jalen Reagor WR PHI = 8.76 (+0.46)

Notable players not in the top 20 of rookie scorers: Michael Pittman (8.52), Zack Moss (8.19), Gabriel Davis (8.10), Henry Ruggs (7.60), Joshua Kelley (7.11), Cam Akers (6.26).

The Rookie Top 20

Always check our latest rankings to see the updates through the week. I take these from the rankers who input their information the quickest after the end of the week. 

1.) CeeDee Lamb, WR DAL  (Six catches, 46 receiving yards) (Previous Ranking: 1)
Jefferson continues to gain ground. Lamb gets the benefit of the doubt because of poor quarterback issues, but it’s closer than you’d think.

2.) Clyde Edwards-Helaire, RB KC (DNP) (2)
That was fun.

3.) JK Dobbins, RB BAL (71 rushing yards, one touchdown) (3)
Can they just let him take this over?

4.) Justin Jefferson, WR MIN (Nine catches, 121 receiving yards, one touchdown) (4)
He just keeps rolling.

5.) D’Andre Swift, RB DET (DNP) (5)
Hopefully back this week again, but it doesn’t seem to be a given. Again.

6.) Jonathan Taylor, RB IND (91 rushing yards, three catches, 44 receiving yards, one touchdown) (6)
He’s coming on strong now and the Colts seem to be leaning on him more and more.

7.) James Robinson, RB JAX (78 rushing yards, six catches, 30 receiving yards, one touchdown) (7)
It’s amazing this stat line just seems almost expected with him.

8.) Jerry Jeudy, WR DEN (One catch, five receiving yards) (8)
The inconsistency makes him tough to put in your lineup at the moment.

9.) Tee Higgins, WR CIN (Five catches, 56 yards) (9)
It’s amazing he’s maintaining a quality floor without Burrow.

10.) Cam Akers, RB LAR (72 rushing yards, 22 receiving yards, one touchdown) (13)
And this was before last night’s blow-up performance. It’s hard to see him leaving the top ten now and his owners have to be breathing a HUGE sigh of relief.

11.) Chase Claypool WR PIT (Two catches, 38 receiving yards) (10)
His streak of double-digit fantasy games ended at five and James Washington is getting more time than you’d like to see.

12.) Antonio Gibson, RB WAS (14 rushing yards) (11)
A brutal week for Gibson as he was hobbled by an injury. It doesn’t look good for this week, either.

13.) Brandon Aiyuk, WR SF (Five catches, 95 receiving yards, one touchdown) (12)
Quietly becoming a fantastic dynasty player.

14.) Jalen Reagor, WR PHI (One catch, 34 receiving yards) (14)
Here’s to hoping a quarterback change makes some kind of difference.

15.) Henry Ruggs, WR LV (Three catches, 84 receiving yards, one touchdown) (15)
The game winning play doesn’t hide the fact this has been a disappointing season.

16.) Laviska Shenault, WR JAX (Three catches, 38 receiving yards, 30 rushing yards, one touchdown) (16)
We’re soon going to see what he can do with a more competent quarterback.

17.) Justin Herbert, QB LAC (209 passing yards, two interceptions) (17)
That was his first real dud of the season.

18.) Joe Burrow, QB CIN (DNP) (18)
The Bengals need to address that offensive line.

19.) Michael Pittman, WR IND (Five catches, 46 receiving yards) (19)
Another decent performance, but we’d like to see more.

20.) Denzel Mims WR NYJ  (Two catches, 40 receiving yards) (20)
He’s out this week for a family emergency. He may as well just stay home with this team.

ken kelly