The Dynasty Aftermath: The Time my Friend Wet Her Pants at the Goodwill

Ken Kelly Posted On September 17, 2018

Editor’s Note: I’m posting the Aftermath a little early this week and it doesn’t include anything from the MNF game. Look for our player updates or waiver wire article to update anything of note from the Bears and Seahawks game. Names have also been changed or erased to protect the innocent.

Welcome to DLF’s Dynasty Aftermath. This staple article is our longest running signature piece as we have a little fun after a tough week at the Dynasty League Football office. You’ll find this article will review the week’s happenings in a variety of ways and help set you up for the coming weeks as we spin around the league in the way we know best. Expect it each and every week.

I’ve written this column for over a decade and I always forget how much I truly enjoy it. I love combing through the stats of the week, putting together ridiculous lineups, finding waiver wire gems, picking MVPs/LVPs and discussing things to worry about.

That’s not all.

I also really love sharing little bits of my life with the community of DLF and picking a theme for this column each week. This year, I’m going off the rails a bit. I’m not just exclusively choosing movies or TV shows and sticking with them. I’m simply picking something relevant, wacky or whatever may come into my mind each given week. My hope is each week will at least be interesting in some way and hopefully make you laugh a few times along the way.

Ryan Fitzpatrick pulled a great stunt this week at the Tampa Bay press conference yesterday. If you missed it, see below.

It got me thinking about one of my favorite moments from the past twenty years. My friend (her identity will not be revealed) was once having a seriously bad day. To console her, I suggested what any person really would – let’s go to the Goodwill and have a contest on who can find the best outfit, walk around the store and see who gets the most attention. Yes, we’ve all dealt with stress this way, I’m sure.

So, we hit the Goodwill in search of amazing treasures. The rules were simple:

1.) You must find a complete outfit and put it on in the dressing room
2.) You must walk around the store to see what people ask you and how they react
3.) Masks were not an option to hide your identity, but hats were encouraged

As I set out to find the perfect attention grabber, I came upon some sweet green suede chaps, purple pants, a cowboy shirt with strawberry images on it and a hat that looked a little bit like what that lady From Hee Haw would wear. I promptly went into the dressing room and changed. She found what I’m told was a dress that looked a lot like what Laura Ingalls Wilder from Little House on the Prairie would wear but that’s never been confirmed (more on that later).

When I confidently walked out of the dressing room, I trotted around the store and had quite a few stares, giggles and a few people giving me some very strange looks. After all, “Hee Haw Chaps Cowboy” doesn’t shop there often. I quickly noticed I was the only one walking around in costume. When I went over to the dressing room where my friend was, she promptly came out, fully dressed in her original clothes and put her outfit back on the rack. “We gotta go,” she said. I have rarely seen a face that serious. Confused, I quickly changed back into my clothes and we left.

When we got back in the truck, she started laughing hysterically. I looked at her, still confused and asked what was going on. Was she still stressed out? Did someone say something to her? Were we kicked out of the Goodwill (which I would clearly put on my resume, by the way). Nope. It was much, much worse and she let out the words I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

“I peed my dress.”

You see, as I was walking around the store with so much pride, she started to come out of the dressing room, saw my contest winning outfit and promptly lost control of her bladder. To make things worse, I realized something catastrophic had happened. Yep, she put it back on the rack. When I still see her, we have a good laugh and hope someone washed that thing after buying it. She still swears the pee only hit the floor (she apparently wiped it up with a sock) but I have my doubts.

So, what the hell does this have to do with fantasy football?

It’s easy. The rookie class is a mess. Outside of Saquon Barkley, owners have to be disappointed with what they’ve been getting from the likes of Nick Chubb, Sony Michel, Ronald Jones, Royce Freeman, DJ Moore and countless others. The point here is easy – I get that you’re having a bad day but this is no time to go to the Goodwill and pee yourself.

On to week two.

Week Two Fantasy MVP

It seems all the talk of Patrick Mahomes struggling during the Kansas City Chiefs off-season program was just a tad overblown. After a spectacular debut against the Chargers where he threw for 256 yards and four touchdowns, Mahomes went completely other-worldly in this week’s shootout with the Steelers by throwing for 326 yards and six (!) touchdowns. Even more importantly, he has an Alex Smith-like zero turnovers so far this year. Blessed with a tremendous arsenal of weapons at his disposal and arm like few we’ve ever seen, Mahomes is staking a claim to rising quickly to “elite must start” status early in his career. It seems like seeing Mahomes throw for nearly 50 touchdowns and 4,000 yards while leading Kansas City to the #1 seed in the AFC, then falling in the first round of the playoffs because of poor clock management is simply a foregone conclusion at this point.

Week Two Fantasy LVP

It’s never time to freak out after just two games. However, David Johnson owners may be peeing their pants and looking to use the cover story I supplied above. After two weeks, Johnson has just 22 carries for 85 yards and six catches for 30 yards. He’s also scored just a single touchdown as the Cardinals have looked unequivocally inept offensively. After confidently suggesting he was going for 1,000 yards rushing and 1,000 yards receiving this year, Johnson is on pace for 680/264 after he posted just 48 rushing yards, one catch and three receiving yards this week.

Wow.

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Lineup Fun

The Laura Ingalls-Wilder Unbeatable Lineup of the Week
Side note: When can you remember the top three running backs in fantasy football combining for just 107 rushing yards? The game has truly evolved, hasn’t it?

QB Patrick Mahomes KC  = 326 passing yards, 18 rushing yards, six touchdowns
RB Todd Gurley LAR  = 42 rushing yards, three receptions, 31 receiving yards, three touchdowns
RB Melvin Gordon LAC = 28 rushing yards, six receptions, 38 receiving yards, three touchdowns
RB Christian McCaffrey CAR  = 37 rushing yards, 14 receptions, 102 receiving yards
WR Stefon Diggs MIN = Nine catches, 128 receiving yards, two touchdowns, one 2 pt conversion
WR Adam Thielen MIN = 12 catches, 131 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Juju Smith-Schuster PIT = 13 catches, 121 receiving yards, one touchdown
TE Travis Kelce KC = Seven catches, 109 receiving yards, two touchdowns

The Green Suede Chaps Underdog Lineup of the Week

QB Blake Bortles JAX = 377 passing yards, 35 rushing yards, four touchdowns
RB Matt Breida SF = 138 rushing yards, three receptions, 21 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Corey Clement PHI = 30 rushing yards, five receptions, 55 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Bilal Powell NYJ = Six rushing yards, five receptions, 74 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR DeSean Jackson TB = Four receptions, 129 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Tyler Boyd CIN = Six receptions, 91 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Sammy Watkins KC = 31 rushing yards, six receptions, 100 receiving yards
TE Jesse James PIT = Five catches, 138 receiving yards, one touchdown

The “I Never Came out of the Dressing Room” Disappointing Lineup of the Week

QB Alex Smith WAS = 292 passing yards, 14 rushing yards
RB Jalen Richard OAK = Two catches, three receiving yards
RB Peyton Barber TB = 22 rushing yards, one catch, seven receiving yards
RB Marlon Mack IND = 34 rushing yards, one reception, two receiving yards
WR Michael Gallup DAL = One catch, five receiving yards
WR John Ross CIN = One catch, eight receiving yards, -3 rushing yards
WR Kenny Stills MIA = Two catches, 17 receiving yards
TE Antonio Gates LAC = No catches

Gut Checks

I’d be worried if I was thinking James Conner was as good as Le’Veon Bell. Good, yes. As good? Not quite.

I’d be worried if I wasn’t paying attention to what’s going on with Kenny Golladay.

I’d be worried if I didn’t think Christian McCaffrey could still dominate without being able to run much.

I’d be worried if I’m concerned after one bad game from Kenny Stills.

I’d be worried if I challenged me to a Goodwill costume contest. #Undefeatedwithpeebonuspoints

I’d be worried if I was still holding out much hope for Doug Martin.

I’d be worried if I didn’t think John Brown was a legitimate fantasy starter right now.

I’d be worried if I was playing against Michael Thomas.

I’d be worried if I didn’t have a Goodwill.

I’d be worried if I thought Alfred Morris had much of a chance to overtake Matt Breida now.

I’d be worried if I didn’t think Emmanuel Sanders was the receiver to own in Denver this year.

I’d be worried if I owned Lamar Miller.

Ditto for Allen Hurns.

I’d be worried if I dealt with stress in a conventional way.

I’d be worried if I thought Jamaal Williams has done enough to make the return of Aaron Jones irrelevant.

I’d be worried if I was relying on Tyler Eifert.

I’d be worried if I was hoping for more from LeSean McCoy.

I’d be worried if I was forgetting about Elijah McGuire.

I’d be worried if you really use socks for things like we found out above.

I’d be worried if I was relying on anyone in the Detroit running game right now.

I’d be worried if I was overvaluing Jay Ajayi.

I’d be worried if I owned Duke Johnson.

I’d be worried if I wasn’t trying to find a way to get Courtland Sutton. The box scores aren’t telling the whole story.

I’d be worried if I was overpaying to get my hands on Ryan Fitzpatrick or DeSean Jackson. The sample size is still way too small and we’ve seen this from both of them before, outside of the chest hair and jewelry…though Fitzpatrick would have given me a run for my money at the Goodwill.

Fun With Numbers

Ryan Fitzpatrick is on pace for 6,552 passing yards. Again, he’s started out great but reality is likely coming. That being said, I wouldn’t want to be Jameis Winston right now.

Matt Breida is on pace for a 1,400 yard rushing season.

Michael Thomas is on pace for 224 catches and 2,152 receiving yards.

There are five receivers on pace for over or nearly 2,000 receiving yards, including Thomas, Jackson, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Brandin Cooks and Tyreek Hill. Not a bad start.

A Look Ahead to Hot Names on the Waiver Wire

Remember, we focus on the lesser names here. There’s really no need to be telling people of your skill level to pick up players you undoubtedly have already rostered like Antonio Callaway, Gio Bernard or Aaron Jones. Pay close attention because we tend to be ahead of the curve.

Corey Grant, RB JAX

I still think he’s being undervalued, especially with Leonard Fournette seemingly always nursing some type of minor ailment.

Tyler Boyd, WR CIN

The Bengals have long wanted a solid second option next to AJ Green and it looks like that isn’t John Ross.

Taywan Taylor, WR TEN

Too many people are bailing on him after a slow start. I love his long-term upside.

Mark Walton, RB CIN

Just in case your league somehow has him available.

Previous suggestions: Jonnu Smith, Ian Thomas, Will Dissly, Geronimo Allison, Phillip Dorsett, Phillip Lindsay, Brandon Marshall, Austin Carr, Shaun Wilson, Jakeem Grant

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Ken Kelly

Co-Founder at DynastyLeagueFootball

Ken is a corporate trainer by day an a tireless editor of dynasty content by night. His passion for the World Champion Seattle Seahawks is second only to his love of fantasy football and the dynasty format.

Ken is on Twitter at DLF_KenK