The Dynasty Confessional

Karl Safchick Posted On September 3, 2013

confessions

December 23, 2012 was a beautiful morning here in Huntingtown, Maryland. The sun rose bright and the air smelled of meaningful football. I’d been in my home fantasy league for nine seasons, and my first ever championship game had started the night before.

Matt Ryan had a four touchdown game against the Detroit Lions on Saturday Night Football. Ryan had been my quarterback since I selected him a few short months after the Atlanta Falcons did. Two of those four touchdowns had gone to Roddy White, and subsequently my foe. Nonetheless, I had a strong lead.

An hour before the one o’clock games started, my friends Kenny (adversary) and Erik (commissioner) arrived at my home. We ordered pizza, and each had a beverage of choice in hand. Kenny and I may have had a tighter grip on ours given the enormity of the situation. I still hadn’t set my full starting lineup at this point, as I was trying to decide which two running backs to start. I had Reggie Bush facing the Buffalo Bills, DeMarco Murray in a must win against the New Orleans Saints, and Marshawn Lynch facing the San Francisco 49ers. All three running backs were in their home stadium, and all three were poised for tremendous games.

The clock was ticking, and I was no closer to deciding who of the three to bench. I could put names in a hat, flip a coin, or close my eyes and point, but none of those options seemed sufficient. I couldn’t ask my opponent for fear of a wrong answer or at least reverse psychology. I couldn’t ask the commissioner since he would’ve liked to remain unbiased. How was I to deal with this conundrum?

I did what any other fantasy expert would do. I called my mother.

I informed her about my ever increasing emergency. She knows very little about football and had probably not heard any of those three names before that day. She was well aware that her ability to pick a player was being relied upon to help me win a large sum of money, and more importantly, years of bragging rights. She obliged and asked one question of me. She said “Which of the players has the cutest butt?” Instead of arguing with my mom about how nonsensical and primitive that method would be, I raced to Google Images. I e-mailed her three pictures. One of each of my running backs, from behind. She picked Bush and Murray. I inserted both names into my starting lineup, and went on to win my first dynasty championship in that league. A feat that could not be equaled in my fantasy career. In hindsight, all three running backs had fairly good games, and any combination of the two would have been sufficient. Since then, though, I’ve been able to brag about how I am the Stephen Hawking of fantasy football. Obviously no one on Earth (or at least in my league) can compare to my infinite fantasy knowledge.

This August I attended my draft. Most of my fifteen league mates were in attendance. I was presented my trophy. A large bottle opener with my name, my team name, and my slogan printed on it. After receiving my award, I was asked many questions including “Are you going to repeat?” and “How does it feel to be a champion?” One question came from the championship runner up. “Are you going to call your mom to see who you should draft?”

I will never live that day down, nor would I want to.

Here at the “Dynasty Confessional,” we’d like to read about your darker fantasy experiences. Did you once trade a dying star for a budding nebulae? Have you checked your score during a friend’s wedding, a loved one’s funeral, or during an intimate moment with your significant other? Maybe you’ve lost a bet that required you to get a tattoo, or had a mandatory act of self inflicted public humiliation. Every person who has played fantasy football for a significant amount of time has undoubtedly experienced an event that may not be their proudest.

Take some time and answer our Dynasty Confessional Questionnaire. When doing so, feel free to bypass any questions that do not apply to you. I will be choosing one submission each week and conducting a second interview with the submitter that tells the most interesting story. The story told will ideally be based on one or two answers, hence the suggestion to skip any you’d like. Please provide your name, city/state, and e-mail. You may remain anonymous if you’d like. Since there will be a second interview, you can give a condensed version of your answer(s) here.

We’ll be running these on Saturday afternoons to make for some fun easy reading going into the weekend of action.

This should prove to be a lot of fun!

1.) What is the greatest length you have gone to in order to check your score or set your lineup?
2.) What is the worst bet you’ve ever lost?
3.) What is the craziest way you’ve ever resolved a “coin-flip” situation (i.e. starting lineup)?
4.) What is your league trophy?
5.) Where is the weirdest place you’ve ever conducted a draft?
6.) What penalties does your league implement for the owner who finishes in last place?
7.) What trade have you made that seemed plausible at the time, but ended in a huge loss for you?
8.) What interesting rules does your league implement?
9.) What moment in football had the most drastic consequences on your quest to win a fantasy championship?
10.) Do you have any other fantasy related situations that you would like to share?