After 18 plus months of drooling, the vaunted 2017 draft class is almost upon us. OK, so maybe it isn’t quite as spectacular as we had hoped, but with unprecedented depth at tight end, a long list of interesting running backs, and a handful potentially top-15 fantasy receivers, there is a bit of something for everybody.
With around 24 hours until the worst commissioner in the history of pro sports over-confidently strides onto a stage in the City of Brotherly Throws Batteries at Players to announce the first pick, I can’t think of a better way to spend an evening than to make some very well thought out, almost sure to be correct predictions about the draft.
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To ensure accuracy, and because I excel at beating stupid jokes into the ground, I will be using my proprietary Truly Huge and Now Known Super Official Best and Most Accurate™ (THANKS OBAMA) prediction metric throughout the article.
- Dalvin Cook will be the first running back with a ninth percentile SPARQ score to be drafted in the first round in 15 years, ending up in Tampa Bay with the Buccaneers.
- Due to the rocking motion of his long, awkward hugs with players, Roger Goodell will become hypnotized. While under hypnosis, he will bark like a dog, make fun of Mark Davis’ haircut, and continue to make awful decisions about pretty much everything.
- Jets fans in attendance will hate every pick their team makes. This is both because they are angry about everything ever and because the Jets will only make awful picks.
- Mitchell Trubisky will be the first quarterback off the board at second overall to the Browns, who give up the 12th, 33rd, a 2018 first, and a middle round pick to the 49ers.
- Deshaun Watson will be the second quarterback off the board at third overall because the Bears, of which I am a fan, hate me.
- Everything the Patriots do will be praised as though Bill Belichick were Meryl Streep in a biopic about somebody we don’t care about.
- Any time a prospect has a background in basketball, every television analyst will mention it as though it matters.
- The Jaguars select Leonard Fournette at fourth overall, causing his supporters to wonder what they did to deserve Blake Bortles. As somebody who owns Allen Robinson in over half my leagues, welcome to my hell.
- Because a talking head taking a strong anti-domestic violence position on live TV is almost as taboo as getting a swastika tattooed on your forehead, ESPN and the NFL Network will do everything in their power to avoid directly addressing what Joe Mixon did when he is taken in the first ten picks of the second round. It will be at least 100 times more awkward than if they gave in and addressed it like a decent human being should.
- Christian McCaffrey ends up a consolation prize for the Panthers, who had hoped to land Fournette. Carolina doesn’t use him in the way we all hoped, causing several members of Football Twitter to “can’t even”.
- Metrics Twitter will be in a state of utter shock when a bunch of their favorite players who nobody has heard of end up going undrafted. This won’t stop them from taking said players in the third round of dynasty rookie drafts.
- Film Twitter will be in a state of utter shock when a bunch of their favorite small school players who nobody has heard of end up going undrafted. This won’t stop them from taking said players in the third round of dynasty rookie drafts.
- Because the early run at quarterback allows the Titans to find defensive help at five, Mike Williams will fall to Buffalo at tenth overall. He will still be the first receiver selected.
- Taco Charlton will secure an endorsement deal with Taco Bell, leading to an eventual accidental overdose of avocado ranch. Charlton survives the episode, then changes his name to Subway.
- An offensive lineman expected to go in the first round will skip the proceedings to go fishing with his father.
- John Ross ends up in Tennessee after they move in front of Philly at 14 to take him.
- Mike Tice is arrested after a drunken, failed attempt to make it on stage long enough to defend the Randy Ratio.
- There will be at least three references per day per network of Rocky or things related to the movie. One such moment will be Trey Wingo yelling out, “Yo, Adrian!” in reference to Adrian Peterson while the Saints are on the clock.
- The Green Bay Packers don’t draft a running back until the fifth round, where they add Brian Hill. Ty Montgomery ends 2017 as a low-end RB1.
- Every white skill position player drafted will be called fundamentally strong, gritty, and said to have a high football IQ.
- O.J. Howard will be the first tight end selected, going to the Jets at six and causing all of us to want to jump off a bridge.
- At some point during the telecast, Randy Moss will be caught smoking a bong attached to a gas mask. After the commercial break, he will tell us it was his cousin’s.
- Chris Berman will crash ESPN’s coverage long enough to say the Bills are circling the wagons. The segment will end with a zoo keeper shooting him in the neck with a tranq dart.
- The Cardinals will take Pat Mahomes at 13. Five years from now, it will be recognized as the best pick in the first round.
- I will attempt to watch day three no fewer than a dozen times, falling asleep on each occasion, before finally giving up and playing Overwatch all afternoon.
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