The Dynasty Aftermath: Growing up in the 98609 (The Nilla Wafer Chandelier Incident)

Welcome to DLF’s Dynasty Aftermath. This staple article is our longest running signature piece as we have a little fun after a tough week at the Dynasty League Football office. You’ll find this article will review the week’s happenings in a variety of ways and help set you up for the coming weeks as we spin around the league in the way we know best. Expect it each and every week.

I’ve written this column for the past fifteen years and I really do enjoy it. I love combing through the stats of the week on Monday night, putting together ridiculous lineups, picking MVPs/LVPs and discussing things to worry about.

That’s not all.

I also really love sharing little bits of my life with the community of DLF and picking a theme for this column each week. You really never know what you’re going to get. This year, I’m focusing all of my energy on bringing you stories from my childhood. Each of these is true, though I may change names from time-to-time to protect the innocent, but mostly guilty. I foreshadowed this a little bit last year when I brought you these two true tales:

The Time a Ford F-150 Tried to Play Centerfield
The Time my Mom thought she was going to Prison for Bootlegging Brewster’s Millions

I just thought it would be a fun theme this year, so let’s get started…

I grew up in Carrolls, Washington (otherwise known as the 98609 to those of us who knew it best). It’s a super small town where you knew all your neighbors and really didn’t have too many worries. We were able to run around with our friends all day long and just make sure we stopped somewhere for dinner (it didn’t even matter whose house it was). There was a dog named TJ who used to run down from his house on the hill, look both ways for cars (honestly), make his way to our mobile home, open the screen door with his nose and make himself at home. We rode bikes without helmets, swam in rivers without life jackets and generally did just about anything parents would be terrified of in this day and age. In short, it was a much simpler time.

I had one sister and she was three years older than I was. When she was in High School and I was in Junior High, we didn’t exactly get along. In fact, it would be safe to say there were a few years there where my Mom and Dad honestly thought we’d never speak as adults. Of course, that’s all changed and we’ve actually worked for the same company together for the past 25 years. We do, indeed, talk.

My Mom likes to make the outlandish claim she was always on top of everything we did and kept a close eye on us. Uhh, no. This is the same woman who would have us swim in those rivers without those life jackets, only asking us to come in when giant ships created waves so high it would be almost disappointing if someone didn’t almost drown. It seems pretty crazy now, but on top of it, she couldn’t swim.  Like at all.  If she went outside today and fell into one of those plastic kiddie pools, it’s over. They say people can drown in two inches of water and I believe that’s a disclaimer built solely by insurance companies because of her personal swimming abilities. Kept her eye on us?  Yeah, not so much.

In the Summer of 1989, my parents left to go to the beach for the weekend. They left my Sister and me at home and told us to behave ourselves. We were going to be fine because in our refrigerator we had our choice of fine foods to eat like Land O’Frost lunch meat, Cheese Pleezer Puffs, Hostess Fruit Pies, Top Ramen, Deviled Ham and Pepsi. Of course, my Sister would have none of that behaving stuff and decided to throw a party instead.

I can still picture Damon, Shawn, Butch and a whole host of her other fun friends riding their BMX bikes from “town” (that was the actual city that was ten miles away and I say “city” loosely) down our driveway and coming into our mobile home. They were fun people and I remember looking up to them and really just wanting to be cool like them one day. After all, who didn’t want a freestyle bike and a mullet? Each of her friends were very different. Damon was good at almost getting high school girls pregnant, Butch was good at building things and the Slalom game on the Nintendo, and Shawn had a very intriguing and special gift – he could take a Nilla Wafer (and don’t call it a “Vanilla Wafer” because that’s bush league and pretty humiliating), place it between his thumb and middle finger, snap his fingers and send it launching across the room at an unbelievable rate of speed.

And that’s really where this gets interesting.

You see, Shawn loved to show everyone his talent. In fact, he decided it would be fun to chase me around the house, snapping Nilla Wafers at me and seeing how bad they would sting. I was running around the corner of my living room and into the dining room when I heard one coming at me. To this day, I believe slow motion would make me look like this below as I attempted to dodge the wafers:

I ducked from one and looked up just in time to see it pass my head like a small UFO traveling at warp speed like the USS Enterprise, then go right through a glass bulb cover (I believe it’s called a crystal fuschia bell because I googled it, though it couldn’t have been real crystal because we had government cheese and spam in the fridge), shattering it in the process. Two things happened in that moment.

1.) My Sister knew she was in trouble
2.) I knew my Sister was in trouble

I loved both of those facts.

What happened next can only be described as my first ever small business deal. For a meager $5 per week, I was going to come up with a story as to how it broke, protecting my Sister in the process, and earning myself money from her to purchase packs of 1989 Donruss Baseball Cards in search of Ken Griffey Jr. rookies (more on that next week). I felt like I was pretty creative, so I told her to follow my lead.

When my parents returned home from the beach, my Mom immediately noticed something wrong with that chandelier and asked what happened. I made eye contact with my Sister and she gave me the helm. What you will read next could be the single worst story possibly ever created by kids in an effort to avoid punishment.

“Well, Mom. It’s a funny story. The two of us decided to have breakfast together today because it was such a nice morning. As we were eating together at the table, I noticed a light bulb was burned out on the chandelier. Being such good and responsible kids, we decided to change it for you. Unfortunately, my hands had butter on them from buttering my toast. When I lifted the light cover, it slipped out of my grasp and on to the table, shattering in the process. We cleaned it up and thankfully nobody was injured.”

There are four very problematic parts to that story.

1.) We would have never had breakfast together because we didn’t even want to be in the same room.
2.) Toast was for rich people.
3.) I would never change a light bulb because we had no idea where they were and besides, that was Dad’s job. What was this, 1945?
4.) Who butters toast with their hands?

The best part of all this? Yep, she bought it. This ruse lasted for about a month until my Sister made me mad and I told my parents everything. I still scored $20 out of it in the end. I really should have used that to buy my Mom some swimming lessons.

So, what does this have to do with fantasy football and what can we learn from it? Well, there are always creative ways to get out of bad situations. If you have a team that struggled through week one, don’t start thinking about the rookie draft just yet. Make some moves to compete and be creative. There are likely some good trades or waiver pickups out there that could help you.

That and don’t ever change a lightbulb with buttery hands.

On to week one!

Fantasy MVP of the Week

This could go a lot of ways (Amari Cooper, Kyler Murray, Tyreek Hill,  Deebo Samuel, Christian McCaffrey just to name a few). However, I’m going to give the award to none other than Antonio Brown, who had five catches for 121 yards and a touchdown on opening night. Reports all off-season indicated Brown was back in shape, looked quicker and had the potential to lead the Bucs in receiving this season. It was just one night, but we were all reminded what a special talent he is. Is there risk involved? Sure. Are there a lot of mouths to feed in Tampa? Of course. However, there are only a handful of players talented enough to carry a dynasty team and Brown looks like the ultimate buy for a contender who has a whole lot of courage.

Fantasy LVP of the Week

Dynasty owners have been waiting for the better part of a year to see Saquon Barkley back in action. Unfortunately, he was only able to post 26 rushing yards while adding one catch and one receiving yard. You could say the Giants are just easing him in, but he did get ten of the 14 running back carries this week, ceding only four to Devontae Booker. Barkley is still not back to 100%, but this was a very concerning day. If the Giants are this bad (they were whipped by the Broncos at home), it’s hard to see Barkley posting elite numbers. There will be better days ahead, but that was not the start anyone hoped for.

The Flying Nilla Wafer Unbeatable Lineup of the Week

QB Kyler Murray ARI = 289 passing yards, 20 rushing yards, five touchdowns
RB Christian McCaffrey CAR = 98 rushing yards, nine catches, 89 receiving yards
RB Joe Mixon CIN = 127 rushing yards, four catches, 23 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB D’Andre Swift DET = 39 rushing yards, eight catches, 65 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Amari Cooper DAL = 13 catches, 139 receiving yards, two touchdowns
WR Tyreek Hill KC = 11 catches, 197 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Deebo Samuel SF = Nine catches, 189 receiving yards, one touchdown
TE TJ Hockenson DET = Eight catches, 97 receiving yards, one touchdown

The Chance of your Lie Being Believed Underdog Lineup of the Week

QB Jameis Winston NO = 148 passing yards, 37 rushing yards, five touchdowns
RB Jamaal Williams DET = 54 rushing yards, eight catches, 56 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Melvin Gordon DEN = 101 rushing yards, three catches, 17 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Elijah Mitchell SF = 104 rushing yards, one touchdown
WR Sterling Shepard NYG = Seven catches, 113 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Christian Kirk ARI = Five catches, 70 receiving yards, two touchdowns
WR Zach Pascal IND = Four catches, 43 receiving yards, two touchdowns
TE Rob Gronkowski TB = Eight catches, 90 receiving yards, two touchdowns

The Buttery Hands Disappointing Lineup of the Week

QB Aaron Rodgers GB = 133 passing yards, two interceptions
RB Sony Michel LAR = Two rushing yards
RB Raheem Mostert SF = 20 rushing yards, one injury (shocking)
RB Tevin Coleman NYJ = 24 rushing yards
WR Brandon Aiyuk SF = No catches
WR Russell Gage ATL = No catches
WR Elijah Moore NYJ = One catch, -3 receiving yards
TE Mike Gesicki MIA = No catches

Gut Checks

I’d be worried if I was counting on Najee Harris. The sky is not falling, but that Steelers offense looks awful.

I’d be worried if I owned Jerry Jeudy. High ankle sprains are no joke, though it was better than feared at first.

I’d be worried if I was giving up on Marquez Callaway

I’d be worried if I was still underestimating Brandin Cooks.

I’d be worried if I was needing early returns from Javonte Williams.

I’d be worried if I owned Brandin Aiyuk. He may have been passed on the depth chart by Trent Sherfield.

I’d be worried if I was counting on Allen Robinson as long as Andy Dalton is the quarterback.

I’d be worried if I was DLF writer / podcaster Matt Price. If Kyle Pitts doesn’t get better soon, he’s fired.

I’d be worried if I thought the performance from Corey Davis was a fluke.

I’d be worried if I thought Jamaal Williams was going to go away.

I’d be worried if I owned Tyler Boyd. He looks like he’s going to be third in wide receiver targets

I’d be worried if I paid too much attention to the preseason drops of Ja’Marr Chase. Yeah, he’s fine.

I’d be worried if I owned Damien Harris. He fumbles once and now might lose his job? That’s nuts, even for New England.

I’d be worried if I owned Raheem Mostert. He can’t stay healthy and the 49ers know it now.

I’d be worried if I was relying on any Jets running back. The Panthers went through it like this:

I’d be worried if I owned James Robinson. Does anyone not believe it’s only a matter of time for Urban Meyer to totally flame out? 51 passes, 15 designed runs and nine of those carries went to Carlos Hyde.

I’d be worried if I owned Ben Roethlisberger. My tweet yesterday sums it up.

Ben Roethlisberger looks slower than my Dad. And he’s dead.

— DLF_KenK (@DLF_KenK) September 12, 2021

I’d be worried if I owned Austin Ekeler. If they’ve really decided not to use him in the passing game, his value is going to go down in a hurry.

I’d be worried if I still had Rashaad Penny. He honestly can’t stay on the field.

I’d be worried if I owned Taysom Hill. Yeah, that starting job probably isn’t in the cards now.

I’d be worried if I was still holding on to Jimmy Graham. It’s over.

I’d be worried if I still had faith in Eno Benjamin.

I’d be worried if I drafted Trey Sermon. Wow. It really does seem like the 49ers just like Elijah Mitchell and JaMycal Hasty better. This could be a disaster.

I’d be worried if I was underestimating TJ Hockenson.

I’d be worried if I thought that was a fluke from Deebo Samuel.

I’d be worried if I owned Michael Pittman. He still hasn’t produced much at all.

I’d be worried if I thought Carson Wentz was cooked. Yes, they lost. Still, he looked a lot better.

I’d be worried if I owned OBJ. This is getting a little interesting now.

I’d be worried if I was ignoring the performance of Larry Rountree.

I’d be worried if I was counting on Giovani Bernard right now.

I’d be worried if I owned either New England tight end.

I’d be worried if I had Zack Moss. He’s fallen out of favor completely at the moment. That was a surprising inactive designation on Sunday.

I’d be worried if I missed out on Jalen Hurts. Good luck now.

I’d be worried if I was overreacting because of a bad game from Ezekiel Elliott. You try to run through Vita Vea.

I’d be worried if I thought Dak Prescott was going to be eased into things.

I’d be worried if I underestimated the value of Adam Thielen. It’s not fancy, but he just keeps doing it.

I’d be worried if I forgot about Sterling Shepard. In his last three games, he’s had 24 catches, 302 receiving yards and scored four touchdowns. And the Giants need to throw it.

I’d be worried if I was counting on a resurgence from AJ Green. It’s kind of hard to watch.

I’d be worried if I owned Julio Jones. He just has no chemistry with Ryan Tannehill at the moment.

I’d be worried if I owned OJ Howard. Yeah, he’s not healthy.

I’d be worried if I was ignoring Cedrick Wilson on the waiver wire.

…but most of all, I’d be worried if I was overreacting to one week. Aaron Rodgers isn’t all of a sudden terrible, Josh Allen is still a QB1, and it’s not time to give up on Aaron Jones, Tua Tagovailoa or Courtland Sutton.

Fun with Numbers

Dak Prescott is on pace for 6,851 passing yards

Jameis Winston is on pace to throw 85 touchdown passes. I’d bet he’d for sure be ahead of Taysom Hill then.

Aaron Rodgers is on pace to throw for just 2,261 yards and no touchdowns this season. I’d bet he’d retire.

Justin Jefferson is on pace to have more passing yards than Justin Fields and Trey Lance.

Joe Mixon is on pace to have 2,159 rushing yards and 17 touchdowns.

Nick Chubb is on pace to have 1,411 rushing yards and 34 touchdowns.

Tyreek Hill is on pace for 187 catches, 3,349 receiving yards and 17 touchdowns.

Deebo Samuel is not far behind with a 3,213 / 17 pace of his own.

Not to be outdone, Amari Cooper is on pace for 221 catches, 2,363 receiving yards and 34 touchdowns.

Odell Beckham, Trey Sermon, Brandon Aiyuk, Zack Moss, and Mike Gesicki are on pace for nothing.

Darren Waller is on pace for 170 catches on 323 targets for 1,785 receiving yards and 17 touchdowns. I’d bet those would be TE1 numbers, and those Matt Price likely expects from Kyle Pitts.

And my personal favorite, Elijah Moore is on pace for 17 catches for -51 receiving yards on the season.

The Top Rookie Scoring Averages

1.) Trevor Lawrence QB JAX = 25.60
2.) Zach Wilson QB NYJ = 21.90
3.) Ja’Marr Chase WR CIN = 21.1
4.) DeVonta Smith WR PHI = 19.10
5.) Mac Jones QB NE = 18.05
6.) Elijah Mitchell RB SF = 16.40
7.) Jaylen Waddle WR MIA = 16.10
8.) Kenneth Gainwell RB PHI = 12.30
9.) Anthony Schwartz WR CLE = 11.60
10.) Rondale Moore WR ARI = 10.80
11.) Kyle “I might be blackmailing Matt Price” Pitts TE ATL = 7.10
12.) Justin Fields QB CHI = 6.80
13.) Najee Harris RB PIT = 5.90
14.) Terrace Marshall WR CAR = 5.60
15.) Javonte Williams RB DEN = 5.50
16.) Mike Strachan WR IND = 4.60
17.) Trey Lance QB SF = 4.45
18.) Amon-Ra St. Brown WR DET = 4.30
19.) D’Wayne Eskridge WR SEA = 3.80
20.) Pat Freiermuth TE PIT = 3.40

Notable players not in the top 20 of rookie scorers: Michael Carter, Amari Rodgers, Josh Palmer, Larry Rountree, Chuba Hubbard, Rhamondre Stevenson, Kadarius Toney, Nico Collins, Dyami Brown, Elijah Moore, Jaret Patterson, Chris Evans, Ihmir Smith-Marsette.

The Rookie Top 20

Always check our latest rankings to see the updates through the week. I take these from the rankers who input their information the quickest after the end of the week.

1.) Najee Harris RB PIT (45 receiving yards, one catch, four receiving yards)
Yes, it was not a great start. However, did anyone really expect (not hope) him to be dominant in his first game that just so happened to be played on the road at Buffalo? There will be better days ahead, though that offensive line is pretty terrible at the moment.

2.) Ja’Marr Chase WR CIN (Five catches, 101 receiving yards, one touchdown)
The dropped passes in practice seemed to be much ado about nothing. Another performance like that, combined with another poor outing from Harris could flip-flop these two.

3.) Kyle Pitts TE ATL (Four catches, 31 receiving yards)
I have repeatedly jabbed at my colleague Matt Price because he has planted his flag so hard on Pitts. Look, the volume is there, the targets are there and the talent is there, too. He’ll be fine. But if he’s not, Matt is fired.

4.) DeVonta Smith WR PHI (Six catches, 71 receiving yards, one touchdown)
The slim reaper was a little lost in rookie drafts this season as people were (are) concerned about his size. His first start was a good one.

5.) Jaylen Waddle WR MIA (Four catches, 61 receiving yards, one touchdown)
Waddle is going to need better quarterback play from Tua Tagovailoa, but that should come soon enough.

6.) Javonte Williams RB DEN (45 rushing yards, one catch, -4 receiving yards)
If you look at the box score, it looks like Melvin Gordon was a ton better. Realistically, Gordon’s output was basically one play. The time share is a short-term concern, but Williams should be just fine.

7.) Elijah Moore WR NYJ (One catch, -3 receiving yards)
Not a great start, but Zach Wilson had no chance.

8.) Rashod Bateman WR BAL
DNP

9.) Travis Etienne RB JAX
Out for the season with an injury,

10.) Terrace Marshall WR CAR (Three catches, 26 receiving yards)
A bit of a letdown in game one, but his time is coming.

11.) Rondale Moore WR ARI (Four catches, 68 receiving yards)
There are a lot of weapons in Arizona, but Moore looked solid.

12.) Trevor Lawrence QB JAX (332 passing yards, three touchdowns, three interceptions)
Well, they certainly aren’t keeping the training wheels on as Lawrence attempted 51 (!) passes in his debut.

13.) Kadarius Toney WR NYG (Two catches, -2 receiving yards)
This Giants season could be rough.

14.) Trey Lance QB SF (Five passing yards, one touchdown)
He’s never once thrown a pass that hasn’t resulted in a touchdown.

15.) Michael Carter RB NYJ (Six rushing yards, one catch, 14 receiving yards)
A lot of talent, but this backfield is a scorching hot mess.

16.) Trey Lance QB SF (Five passing yards, one touchdown)
He’s never once thrown a pass that hasn’t resulted in a touchdown.

17.) Trey Sermon RB SF (DNP – Inactive)
So, the only thing keeping Elijah Mitchell from jumping him already is Kyle Shanahan already saying this backfield will be unpredictable. Sermon should get his chance at some point (remember, these are dynasty rankings), but a couple of more inactive designations would torpedo his dynasty value.

18.) Dyami Brown WR WAS (One catch, -2 receiving yards)
We expected more with Curtis Samuel on the shelf/

19.) Justin Fields QB CHI (Ten passing yards)
At this point, I’m 100% sure he’s better than Andy Dalton and about 14% sure I’m better than Andy Dalton.

20.) (TIE) Nico Collins WR HOU (One catch, seven receiving yards)
Great opportunity, but has to take advantage quickly.

20.) (TIE) Zach Wilson, QB NYJ (258 passing yards, two touchdowns, one interception)
You just feel like he won’t make it through this season if that line plays that horribly.

Knocking on the door: Amari Rodgers, Elijah Mitchell, Mac Jones, Amon-Ra St. Brown, D’Wayne Eskeridge, Kenneth Gainwell, Anthony Schwartz and a whole host of others.

See you next week!