If you’ve been around these parts for any length of time, you know I write The Dynasty Aftermath, which is a themed article each week of the NFL season that runs down all the notable performances, trends and worries of the week. I also pick a theme for it each week and attempt to have some fun with it after a busy week at the DLF office.
As I sit at my kitchen table sifting through all our articles, editing, player updates, rankings and everything else associated with the longest weekend of the year for us at DLF, I started thinking about all the stories that go along with these players who get taken and some are downright amazing. It seems like you always get sucked into rooting for these guys when you hear their Father was born without a head and made something of himself, or they spent their time growing up working in mines to attempt to find the lost Island of Atlantis. I also realized I haven’t showered or changed my clothes since Thursday. In short, I need to shut it down for a few minutes.
As I wait for some other articles to arrive, I thought I’d take a second and have some fun. You are going to read statistical based articles, player breakdowns, mock drafts, rankings and about 1,000 other things over the next few months here. Let’s have some fun and imagine how cool it would be if the facts below were true about this year’s draft prospects. I always get caught up in their backstories, but these ones would have been fantastic!
Trevor Lawrence, QB JAX
Lawrence is a once in a generation draft prospect who the Jaguars hope is going to give them the spark they haven’t had since Mark Brunell was their quarterback at the beginning of their franchise’s history. He’s quickly getting endorsement deals from many companies and actively working with comedian Will Ferrell to launch a real version of “Mane and Tail,” the fictional hair product used by Chaz Michael Michaels in Blades of Glory. You’ll find it soon at your local Rite-Aid drug store, likely in that aisle with the creepy dolls and toys made with anthrax.
Jaylen Waddle, WR MIA
Jaylen’s real last name is “St. Elmo,” but his Mom renamed him because of her love for penguins, who as you surely know, move in groups called “waddles.” She attempted to get him into hockey and hoped to have him drafted by Pittsburgh. They haven’t spoken in years, which is why he walked away from his family on draft night.
Penei Sewell, OL DET
Sewell is a monster of a man, measuring in at 7’5″ and 378 pounds. He once ate a high school teammate for lunch because he mistook him for a ham sandwich.
Jaycee Horn, CB CAR
The son of Joe Horn (that actually is true), Jaycee hid cellphones all over his home for people to find and have selfies taken with after he was drafted. He also planted them behind goal posts in all 32 stadiums.
Patrick Surtain XLIX, CB DEN
While most know his Dad from his days in the NFL, Surtain is actually the 49th Patrick Surtain. The long line of Surtains goes back to the stone age where his heritage started. His 48th Great Grandfather was known as “Urggg Surtain,” and used his speed and sure hands to climb trees to avoid ferocious velociraptors.
Micah Parsons, LB DAL
After Jerry Jones took him in the first round, it’s rumored Micah Parsons wants to go by the name, “The Micah Parsons Project” after the famous “Alan Parsons Project” band from the 70s. He will enter every team meeting to that theme song they used to use when they introduced the Chicago Bulls.
Mac Jones, QB NE
He has a little brother named Cheese. Connect the dots.
Alex Leatherwood, OL LV
Leatherwood was actually taken at #17 overall by the Raiders. Oh crap, that’s actually true.
Jaelan Phillips, EDGE MIA
He grew up on the tough streets of Chicago and garnered the nickname, “Revenge” because he’d beat up anyone who made from of his brother Wilson Phillips.
Rashod Bateman, WR BAL
He actually married Justine Bateman from Family Ties and took her last name a couple of years ago. He’s a big Arrested Development and Teen Wolf Too fan for obvious other Bateman-related reasons.
Walker Little, OT JAX
His Father is actually Stuart Little, the fictional mouse from the movies. They had to do some interesting tests on him, including hiding a piece of cheese at his Pro Day and having him find it.
Jackson Carman, OG CIN
He’s publicly lobbying for the Bengals to move to San Diego and become the new Chargers. He has promised to change his name to Jackson Carman-San Diego, but nobody in the world knows where he is to ask him if this is true.
Aaron Banks, OG SF
Banks has quickly learned the value of not-for-profit financial institutions and has changed his name to Aaron Credit Unions.
Sam Cosmi, OT WAS
He’s working with NBC to bring on a sitcom show about raising kids called, “The Cosmi Show.” It will coincide with the long-awaited return of the Jello Pudding Pops.
Jeremiah Owusu-Karamoah, LB CLE
When you unscramble his last name, it spells, “I just killed you in Words with Friends.”
Tutu Atwell, WR LAR
New Rams receiver Tutu Atwell’s real first name is Brian, but they called him Tutu because he uses ballet to warm up before every practice.
Nick Bolton, LB KC
In his spare time, Bolton works on his craft of singing old Michael Bolton love songs. His favorite is “To Love Somebody.”
Boogie Basham, DE BUF
He’s opening a new line of discos in the greater Buffalo are called, “Boogie’s Boogie Palace and Wings.”
Creed Humphrey, OC KC
His Dad’s name is acually Apollo Humphrey and he has an Uncle named Rocky. Every time he sees a spider, he names it Rico as well.
Andre Cisco, S JAX
He’s already nicknamed himself “The System.”
Kellen Mond, QB MIN
With the new number relaxation rules in place, he’s reportedly asking for 007. The name is Mond, Kellen Mond.
Davis Mills, QB HOU
He’s already asking everyone to call him the General and has promised to give out boxes of General Mills cereal to the homeless in the greater Houston area.
Milton Williams, DT PHI
He and his brother Bradley were always competitive and got in trouble for being late to practice because they were always playing board games.
Tommy Tremble, TE CAR
He has a weird twitch in his hand.
Amari Rodgers, WR GB
The Packers organization has already made several billboards in the Green Bay area saying, “We love this A-Rod!” Things seem to be going pretty well in Wisconsin as a result.
Kendrick Green, OG PIT
All Clue board games sold in Pennsylvania must now feature him as Mr. Green.
Trey Sermon, RB SF
He’s opening a series of churches in greater San Francisco and Oakland area and had to be drafted by a team that plays in the late afternoon so he could get his message across to folks, at least three times every Sunday.
Nico Collins, WR HOU
He’s working with a candy company to make Nico wafers.
Anthony Schwartz, WR CLE
Dropped in the draft because most teams were annoyed when he came to pre-draft interviews by saying, “May the Schwartz be With You” each time.
Ben Cleveland, OG BAL
The Modell family made him change his name to Ben Baltimore in the middle of the night. They had some semi trucks show up to his house, take all his belongings when nobody was watching and bring him to the Ravens facility. If you get this one, you are a true fan.
Tre McKitty, TE LAC
Will not allow any teammates to ever call him a dawg.
Darren Hall, CB ATL
Desperately looking for a woman with the last name of Oates to marry and share his life with. Inquire with Arthur Blank to get in contact with him if your name is Sarah, Samantha or Theresa Oates.
Dez Fitzpatrick, WR TEN
Has already promised to have a beard growing battle with Washington quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Cameron Sample, EDGE CIN
There wasn’t a lot known about him because he would only work out for tiny moments at a time before going for snacks at Costco.
Chuba Hubbard, RB CAR
Pretty excited to get a new contract because his Mom ran out of bones for his dog,
Ian Book, QB NO
Nothing much here. I just haven’t read about him.
Buddy Johnson, LB PIT
Trying to change the Steelers colors to green, gold and white. Wants a team breakfast with just maple syrup and loves to sing in random stores.
Royce Newman, OG GB
His draft stock fell dramatically when teams realized the photos he was sending to prove he could also throw were simply a poor Photoshop effort with Royce Freeman’s head on Jamie Newman’s Body. Meanwhile, Royce Freeman is threatening a lawsuit, claiming nobody’s head is as big as what he portrayed. Many think this could be the last straw for Aaron Rodgers as he reportedly wants nothing to do with Royceheadgate.
Luke Farrell, TE JAX
His college was listed as Ohio State, but that was an obvious mistake. He and his brother Bo (a solid quarterback prospect next year) both obviously went to Duke.
Isaiahh Loudermilk, DE PIT
He’s really trying hard to get his body fat down to 2%.
Nate Hobbs, CB LV
He and his brother Calvin have a pet Tiger and are hoping to start a reality show called, “Calvin and Nate Hobbs: The New Tiger Kings.”
Richard LeCounte III, S CLE
He’s actually the second, but has a hard time counting in French, so he just left it III.
Trey Hill, C CIN
He’s already planning on telling his grandkids he had to walk up THREE hills all uphill to get to school before he made it into the NFL.
Brady Breeze, S TEN
Rumored to already be trying to force a trade to Chicago, the Windy City.
Dazz Newsome, WR CHI
His hobbies include playing the Dazz Flute. Well, he dabbles.
Cameron Cheeseman, LS WAS
Honed his craft by snapping footballs accurately through herds of cows.
Will Fries, G IND
Earned his keep as a walk-on in college. He would just hang around the team and constantly ask the O-line coaches if they wanted Fries with that before every drill. Eventually, they caved and let him play.
And now that the articles have come in, fun time is over.