The Dynasty Aftermath: The Time my Mom thought she was going to Prison for Bootlegging Brewster’s Millions
Welcome to DLF’s Dynasty Aftermath. This staple article is our longest running signature piece as we have a little fun after a tough week at the Dynasty League Football office. You’ll find this article will review the week’s happenings in a variety of ways and help set you up for the coming weeks as we spin around the league in the way we know best. Expect it each and every week.
I’ve written this column for over fifteen years and I really do enjoy it. I love combing through the stats of the week, putting together ridiculous lineups, picking MVPs/LVPs and discussing things to worry about.
That’s not all.
I also really love sharing little bits of my life with the community of DLF and picking a theme for this column each week. You really never know what you’re going to get. In fact, I’ll reserve the right to change my theme ideas if something cool happens like my friend peeing their pants at the Goodwill. If you missed one this year, click below:
Week One: The Peloton
Week Two: Going Vegan
Week Three: Snowboarding without a Sherpa
Week Four: My Lack of Mystical Kung-Fu Powers
I grew up without a lot of money. My home was a double wide trailer with a decent sized yard (my Mom used to pay me $3 to mow it all which I now realize was a total rip-off). We lived next to my Grandparents (who also had a double wide trailer) and made due with what we had. We were happy. Honestly, I never realized we didn’t have a ton of money until I was much older. My parents were great and made sure their kids never went without things other kids had. With that being said, we obviously didn’t live in a mansion, have fancy cars, or go on elaborate vacations. However, we did have the county’s most comprehensive library of VHS movies.
I’ll explain.
I grew up in the 1980s and this is when VCRs had just hit the market. I still remember renting our first one and seeing STAR WARS for the first time. We couldn’t believe we could watch this AT HOME. My Dad was a handy guy of sorts (a bit of an understatement when you really look back) and he realized something one day – if you pulled the tab off a blank VHS tape, then ran a cable from one VCR to another, you could record a movie you rented on to a blank tape and have it forever. I honestly believe this is where the phrase “it blew my mind” originated. In that trailer. On that day. In Kelso, Washington.
From that point on, life for us changed. We saved our money and purchased our first VCR. It had no remote control, weighed about 95 pounds and even had a light on it that said “dew” to indicate it had run too long and was getting condensation inside. Yep, technology at its finest.
We would hit “Rentown USA” every Friday and load up on rentals. We’d be helped by two guys named Felipe and “Sonny Boy.” They knew us. We knew them. We’d rent a second VCR, hook it up to ours, bootleg our movies, then bring them back to those two as if nothing ever happened. In short, we were bad asses. That VCR would run and run and run, stopping only when the “dew” light forced it to and water was dripping from its sides. Over the span of the next few years, our library grew to have STAR WARS, The Empire Strikes Back, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Beetlejuice, The Goonies, Stand by Me, Short Circuit and many more.
And this is where it got crazy.
Since I was such a big shot my neighborhood now, I would boast about how my Dad figured out how we could own any movie without every paying for it. My cousins quickly wanted to get into the mix and set up their own bootlegging station at their house. One problem. They let their little brother Ross in on the action and he made the fatal mistake. Yep, the one you CANNOT make. He somehow pulled the tab off the rented original copy of Brewster’s Millions and recorded a different movie on it. It was a serious problem. In the end, my Dad took our bootlegged copy of Brewster’s Millions and recorded that back on to the original tape. The stress was unbelievable and we just knew the gig was up. This type of criminal activity was simply too dangerous, so we stopped. In short, we felt like this could be a gateway crime and in no way were we ready to become the VHS mafia.
A couple of years later, I was in the bathroom getting ready to jump into the bathtub. As I remember all of this, I recall my entire bathroom was yellow and that was kind of crazy. Yellow sink, yellow toilet, yellow tub. As I attempted to get into the “yellow submarine” as I used to call it, I was thrown into the wall of our trailer violently. When I got up, I realized I was alone in the bathroom. Nobody had pushed me over and I was very confused and disoriented. After realizing Russia hadn’t bombed us (a serious concern of mine after watching the pirated version of Red Dawn several times), I ran out into the living room and saw our trailer was nearly on its side. My Dad climbed up the floor (yes, climbed up the floor) and opened the door to see that someone had driven into the side of it.
Now it really gets real.
We went out the opposite front door and ran to side of the trailer. Turns out, a couple of high school boys had been drinking and speeding around the neighborhood. They lost control of their car, then plowed into our swingset, through our fence (ruined my $3 freshly mowed lawn in the process), annhialted my Mom’s concrete deer and hit our wood deck. They were alive as the car slid right underneath the wood structure and came to an abrupt stop. Our dog was outside, but had run under the deck to safety.
My Dad called 911 and they indicated they were on their way. Both of the boys were alert, but couldn’t really move as they had to feel like Josh Norman being thrown down by Derrick Henry last night. I was told to go back inside.
The scene I saw when I re-entered the trailer could only be described as absolute chaos. My Mom was yelling, “We could go to jail! We could go to jail!” I was so confused as I wondered why it was a crime to be watching Growing Pains in the front room while someone plowed into your mobile home.
I then realized what she was doing.
My Mom had grabbed every pillowcase and garbage bag in the house and she was loading them frantically with bootlegged VHS tapes. Before I could say anything, we had three bags full of Poltergeist, The Breakfast Club, The NeverEnding Story and whatever else you could name from our movie shelf. Her biggest fear was being sent to prison by the police after they entered our trailer to see what we ahd acquired. I always think back to that and picture what must have been going through her mind at the time. She must have thought her future was in Shawhank, living out her days with Red and talking about the mistakes they’ve made in their lives.
The police arrived and took our statements. My Mom stood in front of the bar area the whole time, bags of VHS tapes hidden behind her like bricks of cocaine and meth. They left and she was incredibly relieved. The boys were OK, the tapes were still intact and nobody was going to have to be raped in prison.
It was a good day.
So, the moral of the story when it comes to fantasy football is easy – don’t overanalyze things and create a bigger problem for yourself. Often times, we want it ALL. We make trades in an attempt to have the top QB, the top RB, the top TE and still have the greatest bench of all-time. Don’t take one problem like a short-term injury and make it worse by losing a positional advantage somewhere else by making a knee-jerk trade. Much like Ross Richards recording over Brewster’s Millions. it doesn’t work out.
On to week five.
Week Five Fantasy MVP
Chase Claypool had a really nice month on Sunday when he posted seven catches for 110 yards, rushed once for six yards and scored four total touchdowns. He even had another score called back. We’ve seen flashes here and there with Claypool this season, but this will certainly go down as his signature breakout game. While it will most certainly be his best game of the year, it’s hard to argue the kid has real talent and it looks like the Steelers have found yet another gem at the position. The buy low window for Claypool in dynasty leagues has clearly closed.
Week Five Fantasy LVP
Joshua Kelley had a prime opportunity to take over the Chargers backfield this week and instead found himself rotating with a more effective Justin Jackson. Kelley has faded a bit since his impressive week one and this week’s game was a real setback. He’ll get more chances over the next month, but this was a letdown that will clearly fail to open a nicer dynasty trade window.
Lineup Fun
The Unbeatable Lineup of the Week
QB Patrick Mahomes KC = 340 passing yards, 21 rushing yards, three touchdowns, one INT
RB Mike Davis CAR = 89 rushing yards, nine catches, 60 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Todd Gurley ATL = 121 rushing yards, four catches, 29 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Miles Sanders PHI = 80 rushing yards, two catches, 19 receiving yards, two touchdowns
WR Adam Thielen MIN = Nine catches, 82 receiving yards, two touchdowns
WR DK Metcalf SEA = Six catches, 93 receiving yards, two touchdowns
WR Chase Claypool WR PIT = Seven catches, 110 receiving yards, four total touchdowns
TE Travis Kelce KC = Eight catches, 108 receiving yards, one touchdown
The Underdog Lineup of the Week
QB Justin Herbert LACÂ = 264 passing yards, four touchdowns
RB Chase Edmonds ARI = 36 rushing yards, five catches, 56 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Myles Gaskin MIA = 57 rushing yards, five catches, 34 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Alexander Mattison MIN = 112 rushing yards, three catches, 24 receiving yards
WR Travis Fulgham PHI = Ten catches, 152 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Brandin Cooks HOU = Eight catches, 161 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Mike Williams LAC = Five catches, 109 receiving yards, two touchdowns
TE Darren Fells HOU = Two catches, 57 receiving yards, one touchdown
The Disappointing Lineup of the Week
QB Jimmy Garoppolo SF = 77 passing yards, two INTs
RB Jerick McKinnon SF = Two catches, five receiving yards
RB D’Ernest Johnson CLE = 32 rushing yards, one catch, four receiving yards
RB Mark Ingram BAL = 57 rushing yards
WR AJ Green CIN = No catches
WR Scotty Miller TB = No catches
WR Diontae Johnson NOÂ = One catch, -2 receiving yards
TE Zach Ertz PHI = One catch, Six receiving yards
GUT CHECKS
I’d be worried if I owned Dak Prescott. It’s a terrible injury and one that’s going to take some time to come back from.
I’d be worried if I didn’t get a little choked up seeing Alex Smith back in an NFL game.
I’d be worried if I didn’t realize Tyler Johnson just took up a lot of Scotty Miller’s value.
I’d be worried if I thought Le’Veon Bell was going to somehow be great again just because of a new team. He DOES have a lot to prove.
I’d be worried if I thought Lamar Jackson or Patrick Mahomes were going to give you the advantage they have in past seasons.
I’d be worried if I owned JuJu Smith-Schuster. He’s a great player, but the Steelers have options.
I’d be worried if I owned David Johnson. After a good week one, he looks like he did last season.
I’d be worried if I was relying on DJ Chark to stay healthy.
I’d be worried if I owned AJ Green. Wow. This is awful.
I’d be worried if I’m panicking and moving CEH, Jonathan Taylor or JK Dobbins. Patience.
I’d be worried if I owned Jimmy Garoppolo. Yikes.
I’d be worried if I was relying on Dawson Knox.
I’d be worried if I thought Adam Gase was going to just hand things over to La’Mical Perine. It’s Frank Gore and Joe Flacco time!
I’d be worried if I thought Peyton Barber was a valuable asset at the moment.
I’d be worried if I owned any Cowboys position player. Andy Dalton is no slouch, but he also isn’t Prescott.
I’d be worried if I was ignoring the play of Myles Gaskin.
I’d be worried if I didn’t think Raheem Mostert was the only 49ers running back to play when he’s healthy.
I’d be worried if I expected consistency from Brandin Cooks, Darius Slayton, or Amari Cooper. Why would it start now?
I’d be worried if I owned Joe Mixon. One good game does not make a season.
I’d be worried if I was underestimating Alexander Mattison.
I’d be worried if my TE1 was Evan Engram or Zach Ertz.
I’d be worried if I thought I was going to make that Sam Bradford / Sam Darnold mistake this week.
I’d be worried if I owned Sam Bradford of the Jets. He’s regressing.
I’d be worried if I was relying on Chris Herndon.
I’d be worried if I didn’t think Teddy Bridgewater could be the quarterback on some dynasty champions this year.
I’d be worried if I thought Mike Davis’ value just goes away when Christian McCaffrey comes back.
I’d be worried if I thought Julio Jones and Matt Ryan were going to finish their careers in Atlanta.
I’d be worried if I didn’t own DK Metcalf. This dude is a beast.
I’d be worried if I thought that one game from Kareem Hunt is somehow an indication of how he’ll be the next few weeks.
I’d be worried if I thought Tre’Quan Smith was ever going to replace Michael Thomas‘ production.
I’d be worried if I owned Tyler Higbee. He’s a great player, but also really tough to count on each week.
I’d be worried if I didn’t think Ryan Tannehill has completely turned his career around.
I’d be worried if I hadn’t tried to trade for AJ Brown over the past few weeks. Too late.
Bonus Section One: Top Rookie Scoring Averages through Week Five
I thought this would be fun to see
1.) Justin Herbert QB LAC = 26.06
2.) Joe Burrow QB CIN = 20.16
3.) James Robinson RB JAX = 17.72
4.) Chase Claypool WR PIT = 17.62
5.) CeeDee Lamb WR DAL = 17.12
6.) Clyde Edwards-Helaire RB KC = 14.86
7.) Jonathan Taylor RB IND = 14.28
8.) Antonio Gibson RB WAS = 13.36
9.) Justin Jefferson WR MIN = 12.42
10.) Laviska Shenault WR JAX = 12.26
11.) Brandon Aiyuk WR SF = 11.55
12.) Jerry Jeudy WR DEN = 11.10
13.) D’Andre Swift RB DET = 10.40
14.) Henry Ruggs WR LV = 10.27
15.) Tee Higgins WR CIN = 10.14
16.) Gabriel Davis WR BUF = 8.74
17.) Joshua Kelley RB LAC = 8.72
18.) JK Dobbins RB BAL = 8.18
19.) Zack Moss RB BUF = 7.70
20.) Darnell Mooney WR CHI = 7.40
Raise your hand if you had that right at the begninning of the year.
Liar.
Bonus Section Two: The Rookie Top 20
Always check our latest rankings to see the updates through the week. I take these from the rankers who input their information the quickest after the end of the week.
1.) Clyde Edwards-Helaire, RB KC (40 rushing yards, three catches, 40 receiving yards) (Previous Ranking: 1)
He still has just one touchdown on the season and I could see Lamb overtaking him at some point on this list if that doesn’t change.
2.) CeeDee Lamb, WR DAL (Eight catches, 124 receiving yards) (2)
Lamb is quickly ascending to be one of the most coveted wide receivers in all of fantasy football.
3.) Jonathan Taylor, RB IND (57 rushing yards, two catches, 17 receiving yards, one touchdown) (3)
He scored, which was great. However, we still haven’t seen many “wow” moments that make him look as elite as his pricetag.
4.) JK Dobbins, RB BAL (34 rushing yards, three catches, 21 receiving yards) (4)
He certainly does the most with his limited opportunities. Unfortunately, those are very limited.
5.) Jerry Jeudy, WR DEN (Bye Week) (5)
6.) D’Andre Swift, RB DET (Bye Week) (6)
7.) Justin Jefferson, WR MIN (Three catches, 23 receiving yards) (8)
He cooled off against the Seahawks as the Vikings chose to run and bleed the clock. It happens.
8.) Cam Akers, RB LAR (61 rushing yards) (7)
Piled up most of his yards in garbage time. The Rams backfield is as hard as the Patriots and Ravens to figure out at the moment.
9.) Henry Ruggs, WR LV (Three catches, 118 receiving yards, one touchdown) (10)
Ruggs returned and posted his best game of the season. It looks like he’s pretty fast. Kind of an understatement, eh?
10.) Tee Higgins, WR CIN (Four catches, 62 receiving yards) (9)
Higgins continues to take over the spot from the corpse that was once AJ Green and has really made Green an afterthought.
11.) Antonio Gibson, RB WAS (27 rushing yards, five catches, 24 receiving yards) (13)
Not a great game from Gibson, but game scripts are going to be rough for him this season.
12.) Laviska Shenault, WR JAX (Seven catches, 79 receiving yards) (12)
He’s just quietly going about his business.
13.) Jalen Reagor, WR PHI (11)
DNP and needs to play soon.
14.) James Robinson, RB JAX (48 rushing yards, five catches, 22 receiving yards, lost fumble) (17)
A bit of a step back for Robinson this week, as he failed to take advantage of a great matchup this week. Still, a decent effort other than that terrible lost fumble on a pass attempt.
15.) Chase Claypool WR PIT (Seven catches, 110 receiving yards, six rushing yards, four touchdowns) (NR)
Well, the window to buy Claypool just closed on you and likely smashed your toe in the process. Wow, that was impressive. Â He is the first rookie in NFL history with at least three receiving touchdowns and at least one rushing touchdown in a single game. Ever.
16.) Michael Pittman, WR IND (14)
DNP
17.) Brandon Aiyuk, WR SF (Three catches, 44 receiving yards) (15)
Another decent game for Aiyuk, despite terrible quarterback play.
18.) Denzel Mims, WR NYJÂ (20)
DNP and his time on this list is getting short.
19.) Joe Burrow, QB CIN (183 passing yards, ten rushing yards, one interception) (18)
His first game against the Ravens went about as expected.
20.) Justin Herbert, QB LAC (264 passing yards, four touchdowns) (NR)
I’m as surprised as anyone to see him play this well. He was good in the PAC-12, but he’s been phenomenal against the toughest players in the world. It makes no sense, but fantasy owners with Herbert certainly don’t care.
Ken is on Twitter at DLF_KenK
- 2024 Rookie Bust Mock Draft (Pre-Draft Edition): Round Two - April 21, 2024
- Dynasty Running Back Danger Rankings: 16-9 - April 21, 2024
- 2024 Rookie Bust Mock Draft (Pre-Draft Edition): Round One - April 18, 2024
