Comparing Players to Breakfast Cereals
Need a break from reality for a few minutes? Let’s have some fun!
I’m pretty sure, across the board, everyone likes breakfast cereal. If you’re reading this, odds are, you enjoy fantasy football too. I thought it would be an enjoyable exercise to compare some of our favorite (and least favorite) fantasy football stars to some of our most (and least) popular foods to start the day.
Christian McCaffrey, RB CAR – Cinnamon Toast Crunch
This is the easiest comp of the day. Both are the unquestionable 1.01, if you want to debate CMC, that’s fine, but I’ll hear no arguments against CTC.
Allen Robinson, WR CHI – Life Cereal
Often overlooked, but still sneaky good. Due to poor quarterback play over his entire career, many fantasy owners forget how good Robinson has been. Much like stumbling across a bowl of Life and rediscovering it in your adult years, Robinson’s owners from 2014 might be reminded of his greatness if he returns to form with Nick Foles under center in the Windy City.
Philip Rivers, QB IND – Grape-Nuts
Old, reliable, not flashy, but gets the job done. Nobody is ever going to get excited by Rivers, some might even dislike him, but if you’re in a pinch in the late rounds of your drafts, Rivers is more than sufficient, much like a bowl of Grape-Nuts if you were starving.
Michael Gallup, WR DAL – Cracklin’ Oat Bran
Gallup is the best player nobody knows about. Overshadowed by Amari Cooper and the newly arrived CeeDee Lamb (not to mention Ezekiel Elliot and Dak Prescott), don’t forget Gallup is sneaky, sneaky good. If given a chance, I wouldn’t be shocked if Gallup outperformed both Cooper and Lamb if they saw equal snaps and targets. Trade for Gallup where you can and get some Cracklin’ Oat Bran next time you’re at the store.
Kevin White, WR FA – Wheaties
Wheaties: the breakfast of champions, always an elite athlete on the box, and overhyped by many. White, also an elite athlete and overhyped by many. The idea of both is initially exciting, but the more you get into it, the more disgusted you are.
Marquise Brown, WR BAL – Cap’n Crunch
Incredible, dynamic, explosive, and it cuts the hell out of the roof of your mouth. Upside through the roof, but a rock bottom floor too. The upside is there to be THE top receiver on any given week but no consistency from week-to-week. Cap’n Crunch could be my 1.01, and maybe in a best ball cereal league it could be, but sometimes my stomach hurts, and I need Neosporin for gums, it is what it is.
Tom Brady, QB TB – Frosted Flakes
An oldie, but a goodie. Just as amazing today as they were ten years ago. Neither seems to age, and both are slightly sweeter today than in the past. I like to crunch Frosted Flakes with my fist before I add milk, and lots of people would like to do the same to Brady.
Derrick Henry, RB TEN – Fruity Pebbles
Some people love him, but coming off of a 321-touch season, you might be left with a bowl of soggy mush sooner than you’d want. We’ve seen NFL teams cut bait before running backs get to their second contract, so who knows where Henry lands a year from now. If you’ve already got a bowl full on your table, eat ’em up while you can, but if you leave it out there a little too long, look out for a sloppy, non-tradable mess.
Glenn, Chris, and Dan Gronkowski, FB/FB/TE FA – French Toast Crunch, Chocolate Toast Crunch, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros
Imagine being closely related to the absolute best of all time and not being very good yourself.
Melvin Gordon, RB DEN – Kix
Slightly sweet enough to get you interested initially, but after a few bites, you quickly realize it sucks. Five seasons in the league and only one season over 1,000 yards? One season with ZERO touchdowns? A solid floor but never going to be a league winner, if you’re hungry enough, it’ll do the trick, but this should never be your first choice.
Kerryon Johnson, RB DET – Lucky Charms
The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Freeze-dried, hard marshmallows and cardboard-flavored puffy oats are both awful on their own, but together they are good, but not great. Johnson is an okay back who is good at everything but not great at anything, but for some reason, he has far more fans than he should.
Jamison Crowder, WR NYJ – Rice Krispies
There’s nothing wrong with this at all. Underrated and overlooked, but as steady as they come, just needs a little sugar to garner some attention and remind you how good it can be.
Baker Mayfield, QB CLE – Cocoa Puffs
Maybe Mayfield isn’t the cereal itself, but the chocolate milk that’s left behind. Mayfield has been surrounded with weapons and has been given every chance in the world to succeed. The players around him have an opportunity to elevate Mayfield, but will he do it? We’ll see if he can be turned into a bowl of delicious, sugary, chocolate milk.
Diontae Johnson, WR PIT – Honey Nut Cheerios
Johnson might be the best player right under your nose, and nobody sees it coming. Injuries shook up the Steelers’ depth chart, but Johnson looked good as a rookie and led them in receptions and touchdowns. If he can take the next step in year two, he could make JuJu Smith-Schuster expendable as his contract expires. Don’t be shocked if Johnson is a steady, consistent, reliable option you can count on for years to come just like that box of Cheerios in your cupboard.
There are lots of cereal options for you to choose from every morning, just as there are lots of options as you build fantasy rosters. There are sleepers, rookies, washed-up veterans, post-hype sleepers, over-and-under-rated players, and everything in between. One of the most fun parts of dynasty football is playing the role of football prognosticator. You never know how a player will perform during a given season, let alone throughout a career, so pick players you’ll be happy to cheer for on Sundays and have fun.
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