The Dynasty Aftermath: Give me all the Bacon and Eggs You Have

Ken Kelly

Welcome to DLF’s Dynasty Aftermath. This staple article is our longest running signature piece as we have a little fun after a tough week at the Dynasty League Football office. You’ll find this article will review the week’s happenings in a variety of ways and help set you up for the coming weeks as we spin around the league in the way we know best. Expect it each and every week.

I’ve written this column for nearly fifteen years and I really do enjoy it. I love combing through the stats of the week, putting together ridiculous lineups, finding waiver wire gems, picking MVPs/LVPs and discussing things to worry about.

That’s not all.

I also really love sharing little bits of my life with the community of DLF and picking a theme for this column each week. This year, I’m going to start out and focus on shows that are stream-worthy out there. If you missed my takes on The Office or The Last Man on Earth, be sure to go back and check them out.

There’s absolutely no way I could have gone through this season without focusing on one of my favorite characters of all-time – Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation. The wisdom of Ron can easily be applied to fantasy football.  In fact, one of my favorite Ron Swanson quotes is, “Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing.”  This applies to fantasy football and, in particular, dynasty leagues.  If you take on too many leagues in an attempt to have more fun, be very careful.  If you can’t spend the time needed to take care of every dynasty team you have, your teams and your fun level will suffer. Thanks for the tip, Ron.  You’re a true red-blooded, meat-eating American.

With that, I present to you Ron Swanson. I hope you enjoy parts of your time together.

Week Three Fantasy MVP

After two pedestrian weeks with just a total of six catches for 89 yards, Mike Evans went crazy against the Giants with eight catches for 190 yards and three touchdowns. That’ll work. Evans is right back on the WR1 map after two concerning weeks. Let’s hope he takes Jameis Winston out for dinner and there’s really only one place they could go.


Week Three Fantasy LVP

With six catches, 101 yards and one touchdown, you’d be surprised to see someone listed here. However, those weren’t the stats for this week’s game, that’s what Stefon Diggs has posted this season after a three-catch, 15-yard performance this week. With the Vikings focusing on giving the ball to Dalvin Cook and possibly losing some trust in Kirk Cousins, Diggs has really suffered and has only ten targets through three weeks. You’d think bigger weeks are coming, but it’s clearly time to hit the panic button here. At this point, he’s no better than Tammy One or Tammy Two in your fantasy lineup.

Lineup Fun

The “Be a Man” Unbeatable Lineup of the Week

QB Russell Wilson SEA = 406 passing yards, 51 rushing yards, four touchdowns
RB Alvin Kamara NO  = 69 rushing yards, nine catches, 92 receiving yards, two touchdowns
RB Mark Ingram BAL = 103 rushing yards, four catches, 32 receiving yards, three touchdowns
RB Phillip Lindsay DEN = 81 rushing yards, four catches, 49 receiving yards, two touchdowns
WR Mike Evans TB = Eight catches, 190 receiving yards, three touchdowns
WR Keenan Allen LAC = 13 catches, 183 receiving yards, two touchdowns
WR Cooper Kupp LAR  = 11 catches, 102 receiving yards, two touchdowns
TE Darren Waller OAK = 13 catches, 134 receiving yards

The “Lil’ Sebastian” Underdog Lineup of the Week

QB Daniel Jones NYG = 336 passing yards, 28 rushing yards, four touchdowns
RB Tony Pollard DAL = 103 rushing yards, three catches, 25 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Rex Burkhead NE = 47 rushing yards, six catches, 22 receiving yards, one touchdown
RB Jeff Wilson Jr. SF  = 18 rushing yards, two touchdowns
WR Taylor Gabriel CHI = Six catches, 75 receiving yards, three touchdowns
WR Paul Richardson WAS = Eight catches, 83 receiving yards, one touchdown
WR Adam Humphries TEN = Six catches, 93 receiving yards
TE Greg Olsen CAR = Six catches, 75 receiving yards, two touchdowns

The “Charles Mulligan Food Poisoning Closure” Disappointing Lineup of the Week

QB Baker Mayfield CLE = 195 passing yards, one touchdown, one interception
RB Malcolm Brown LAR  = Seven rushing yards
RB Darwin Thompson KC = Eight rushing yards
RB Chris Carson SEA  = 53 rushing yards, two lost fumbles
WR John Ross CIN = Two catches, 22 receiving yards, one lost fumble
WR Calvin Ridley ATL = One catch, six receiving yards
WR Emmanuel Sanders DEN  = Two catches, 10 receiving yards
TE  TJ Hockenson DET = One catch, one receiving yard

Gut Checks

I’d be worried if I have never eaten at Charles Mulligan’s Steakhouse

I’d be worried if I owned Cam Newton. Not good.

I’d be worried if I didn’t follow my advice on Kyle Allen last week.  I just had a weird feeling.

I’d be worried if I owned Antonio Brown.  I don’t even have to say it.

I’d be worried if I still had Joe Flacco on my roster.

I’d be worried if I wasn’t paying attention to Gardner Minshew not looking terrible.

I’d be worried if I wasn’t paying attention to Darren Waller. Uhh, wow.

I’d be worried if my wife was named Tammy One or Tammy Two

I’d be worried if I owned Le’Veon Bell.  This just looks bad for him in so many ways.

I’d be worried if I didn’t listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones instead of my employees.

I’d be worried if I owned James Conner. This offense is going to suffer.

I’d be worried if I wasn’t paying attention to Preston Williams.

I’d be worried if I thought Lamar Jackson was going to cool down.

I’d be worried if I’ve never heard of “Turf and Turf.”

I’d be worried if I had no depth behind Saquon Barkley.

I’d be worried if I owned Duke Johnson.  Seriously.  What are they doing? He’s not Duke SILVER!

I’d be worried if I wasn’t monitoring the progress of Christian Kirk.

I’d be worried if I sneezed with a hernia.

I’d be worried if I thought Mike Davis was going to get that job back any time soon.

I’d be worried if I didn’t have my son in the Pawnee Rangers.

I’d be worried if I was relying on Sony Michel.

I’d be worried if I thought I knew which Chiefs receiver was going to show up each week.

I’d be worried if I didn’t follow the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.

I’d be worried if I owned Todd Gurley. It’s just not the same, gang.

I’d be worried if I owned Chris Carson. Even the overly loyal Seahawks won’t stand for fumbles.

I’d be worried if I was ignoring the early production from Austin Hooper.

I’d be worried if I owned Leonard Fournette.  One big run saved an epic disaster.

I’d be worried if I was thinking of trying Snake Juice.

I’d be worried if I was playing against Amari Cooper and Dak Prescott.  Just pay them.

I’d be worried if I worked with anyone for three years and actually knew their name.

I’d be worried if I was relying on Jarvis Landry.

I’d be worried if I owned Baker Mayfield, for that matter.

I’d be worried if I didn’t have one of the three acceptable haircuts (buzz, crew or high and tight)

I’d be worried if I owned Kirk Cousins.  He just doesn’t look like he’s worth the money.

I’d be worried if I wasn’t mourning the death of Lil’ Sebastian

Best Ron Swanson Quotes

“I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”

“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.”

“Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”

“Tom put all my records into this rectangle. The songs just play one after the other. This is an excellent rectangle.”

“When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”

“Put some alcohol in your mouth to stop words from coming out.”

“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”

“I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.”

“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”

“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

“There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger.”

“If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”

“That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”

“Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.”

“Great job everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”

“On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”

“I do exercise – love making and woodworking.”

“My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.”

“You had me at meat tornado.”

“I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.”

….and finally….

“I was born ready. I’m Ron $%*#ing Swanson..”

Waiver Wire Suggestion

Darius Slayton, WR NYG

I don’t need to tell you to get Wayne Gallman, either.

Previous suggestions: Damion Willis, Gardner Minshew, Raheem Mostert, Dontrell Hilliard, Rob Gronkowski, Jay Ajayi, Mason Rudolph, Demarcus Robinson, Teddy Bridgewater, Taysom Hill, Luke Falk, Kyle Allen, Jeff Wilson Jr., Devin Smith

The Way I like to Ponder my Next Dynasty Trade

Behold The Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness

Live by this and your world will forever be changed for the better.


ken kelly