In my many years of playing fantasy football and helping run this site, I’ve learned lots of things. Some of these lessons are fundamental in nature, like always maintaining your integrity, never excessively celebrating a victory and always putting forth your best effort in whatever you do. There’s one other lesson I’ve learned and re-learned over the years. It’s an indisputable fact that really cannot be argued – Mike Shanahan hates us all.
Over the years, the running back carousel that Coach Shanahan has drug us all through in terms of fantasy football has been both very fruitful and extremely painful. It seems that every time we think we’ve got it figured out, a new player is inserted into his starting lineup to take advantage of the “one cut and go” system that Shanahan employs. These “Shanahanigans” are that of fantasy legend and have left coaches with lot of gray hair, or for me, no hair at all.
Today, it’s time to rise above these “Shanahanigans” and be a better person. This is no time to hate Mike Shanahan back, it’s time to make a comprehensive list of things are even worse to put it all into the proper perspective.
With all that in mind, I present a list of fifty things I hate more than Mike Shanahan:
Olandis Gary (1), Mike Anderson (2), Tatum Bell (3), Reuben Droughns (4), Mike Bell (5), Selvin Young (6), Ryan Torain (7), Keiland Williams (8), James Davis (9) and Andre Brown (10)
I’ll give an obvious pass to Clinton Portis and Terrell Davis because they were productive for longer stretches, but you have to start here. If any of these guys would have had the ability to either stay healthy, stay out of trouble, or consistently produce, we would have never had to endure a decade of this madness. All of you are to blame! All of you, I say!
Roy Helu (11), Evan Royster (12)
I’m just going to go ahead and load in these two now for “future hatred.” I’ll admit that Helu has a legitimate chance to break through and be an extremely productive fantasy back for a long time, but you have to remain skeptical until we see it happen. There are never any guarantees when you’re a runner in the Shanahan stable.
Kyle Shanahan (13)
What’s worse than enduring the Mike Shanahan madness for two decades? How about the prospects of Kyle getting a Head Coaching job and doing it to us for the next two.
Coaches who leave their dynasty team after a bad year (14)
This one drives me crazy.
Many of us have been in dynasty leagues where a team sells out in the draft or in their rebuilding efforts and end up with a mess of a team – one that would take years to fix. Amazingly, something suddenly comes up in their lives and they exit the league, leaving a train wreck of a squad for a commissioner to find an owner for. If you’re in a dynasty league, you need to be all in. Enough said.
Commissioners who change their rules by a quick popular vote or web poll (15)
Here’s a great way to kill a league. If you’re the commissioner and an issue comes up in the league, I would beg of you not to just create a poll and go with the majority. While a vote may be in order at some point, you need to take the time to clearly state both sides of the issue and make sure every coach understands the ramifications of either staying the course or making the change. All too often, coaches will just vote “yes” or “no” without fully understanding the issue. Meanwhile, those select few who are very passionate about it one way or the other still get just one voice and no real platform to discuss. For you commissioners out there, the easy way is not always the right way.
Coaches who refuse to deal with league champions (16)
If you want to be blackballed in trade talks, I’ll give you two pieces of advice. First, win your league. Second, own a dynasty league web site. I actually sent through a very good trade offer (one I actually thought I was overpaying on) to a coach in a league last week. I received a quick rejection with no counteroffer. When I approached him about it, the response I received was, “I was told once never to deal with someone smarter than you are about something.” Really? I would encourage every coach to look at every trade on its own merit and make a decision based on the pieces involved, not the owner. Just because someone seasoned is trying to deal with you doesn’t mean they’re trying to fleece you. In fact, I’ve learned many veteran coaches are the best to trade with because they’ve been around the block a few times and know you have, too.
The short burst of flavor in Fruit Stripe gum (17)
Hey, I’m just making a list here. Many of you know of Fruit Stripe gum – it’s the striped kind with the gum chewing zebra on the packaging. When you chew it, the first ten seconds are amazing and the last five minutes are excruciating. If the owners could just figure out how to make that last longer, the drug problem in America would likely be over as everyone would simply turn to slinging Fruit Stripe on street corners.
The Jets situation at running back (18)
If Mike Shanahan coached this bunch, who knows what would happen. Shonn Greene has been underwhelming, Joe McKnight has been keeping McDonald’s in business, Bilal Powell hasn’t shown us much and Terrance Ganaway seems like a pretty big project. For a ground and pound offense, this is hugely concerning. Perhaps the bulked up Tim Tebow can play tailback.
Trent Richardson going in the top five in a dynasty start-up draft (19)
There’s little doubt that Richardson is going to be a fantasy factor, but we’ve seen a few leagues and fielded a few questions from coaching considering him over the likes of Ray Rice or LeSean McCoy – let’s tap the brakes here a little.
Losing my hair because of Mike Shanahan (20)
Seriously, I think he’s part of this whole debacle.
People immediately bailing on Mark Ingram (21)
Tim is going to cover this in the mailbag this week, but it bears another mention here. Yes, Ingram failed to reach some owner’s lofty expectations from last year, but his career is far from defined. Just this week, I saw Ingram traded in one of my leagues for what I believe will be a late first round rookie pick in 2013. It’s way too early to be bailing on him.
The hot dog to bun ratio (22)
After this many years, why can’t someone budge? I swear that Oscar Meyer is owned by a Hatfield and Orowheat is run by a McCoy. Can someone please just blink and package these up in the same quantities? Eight, ten, twelve, sixty five, I don’t care.
The New England running back situation (23)
Unlike New York, it looks like New England may just have two talented backs. Problem is, nobody truly knows just how they’re going to be used this season. Among dynasty league owners, our recent poll showed a split between belief in Stevan Ridley and Shane Vereen, but a majority who would choose to avoid the situation altogether.
Owners who lose on purpose (24)
There are three rules to setting up a league. First, choose the right owners. Second, choose the right owners. Finally, choose the right owners. If I might be so bold as to throw in a fourth, it would be to choose the right owners.
No league should have to endure people sandbagging on purpose in an effort to land a higher rookie draft pick. What many of these coaches don’t understand is their own selfish thinking often times affects the overall standings and playoff seeding because of their performances – that’s simply not fair to those who are taking the league seriously.
Commissioners who abuse their privledges (25)
It’s amazing how competitive we all are in our beloved game. However, there’s no room for things like this that I found in the forum.
National Treasure and National Treasure: Book of Secrets (26)
I used to like each of these movies, but the USA network has decided to have them on seemingly every Sunday from January of this year through 2045. As a bonus, National Treasure was actually on both USA and TNT today. What a bonus!
Not having a DLF Podcast (27)
The charade that Tarvaris Jackson actually has a chance to start for Seattle (28)
Look, I love a good competition. However, the signing of Matt Flynn and the drafting of Russell Wilson are two fairly good indicators that the Seahawks don’t believe Jackson is the future. Do we really need to endure two months of Pete Carroll claiming otherwise?
The prospects of James Jones NOT getting traded (29)
When Jones signed with Green Bay last year, it was a huge disappointment to fantasy owners. After all, Jones isn’t going to get enough balls thrown his way to ever become that relevant with the weapons Aaron Rodgers has at his disposal. The rumors of him being traded have his owners salivating at his future prospects again.
Norv Turner’s ridiculous comparisons of his players (30)
So, Eddie Royal is now Charlie Joiner and Henry Ellard, while Ryan Mathews is now the second coming of Ricky Williams and Emmitt Smith. While Mathews has a chance, it’s a little much. I can’t wait to see practice start and see just how close Robert Meachem is to Jerry Rice.
The contract disputes of Matt Forte and Maurice Jones-Drew (31)
It’s hard to blame running backs for trying to cash in while they can, but it’s maddening when you’re trying to build a team.
The referees from the Seattle and Pittsburgh Super Bowl (32)
Christian Ponder’s grasp of the starting job in Minnesota (33)
He’s going to start the season atop the depth chart, but he likely won’t have a fully healthy Adrian Peterson. If he starts slowly, Joe Webb has always shown promise. His grasp on that job may not be as tight as it seems, especially if Leslie Frazier starts feeling some heat.
The Jaguars offense for fantasy performance (34)
They’ve made some improvements with Justin Blackmon and Laurent Robinson, that’s for sure. If MJD sits out, they’re in serious trouble – nobody really fears Blaine Gabbert.
Dez Bryant’s “potential” (35)
If it doesn’t happen this year, it’s not going to happen. Let’s go already!
Various forms of cancer, heart attacks and strokes (36)
I’m just going throw those all in together as kind of grab bag of death. See, Mike Shanahan really isn’t that bad now, is he?
Losing the player I want off the waiver wire (37)
These aren’t ranked, but this one could give the diseases a run for their money. There is nothing I hate more in a dynasty league than being indecisive on a sleeper. There have been times where I have been hesitating who I want to drop for him in order to do further research, only to see him go to a competitor minutes later. If you want to get a pit in my stomach, that’s the easiest way (other than that grab bag of death).
Making a mistake on the editing of a DLF article (38)
We expect perfection around here. We don’t always achieve it, but you all deserve it. Forgive us when a mistake happens!
Being followed by inappropriate bots on Twitter (39)
It’s just annoying. I will say it’s an interesting conversation with your wife when you say you’re tired of being followed by a bunch of adult film stars. If that happens to you, make sure you explain what “followed” means.
Trying to predict Denarius Moore’s season totals (40)
There may be no other player’s 2012 performance harder to predict than Denarius Moore. Is DHB the true number one in Oakland? Is Carson Palmer just blowing smoke about Moore’s ability? Will Jacoby Ford or Juron Criner eat into his value? Can Darren McFadden stay healthy and command more of the defenses attention? There are more variables in here than in a College math class.
The infatuation with rookie draft picks (41)
Look, you need them to help build your team – you don’t need them to solely help build your team, though. This is the time of year for impatience and information overload. At this point, every rookie is a star. Fact is, there are going to be a countless number of busts from this class and nobody truly knows who they may be. Be very careful when trading away established players for these shiny new toys.
The lack of respect for Ben Roethlisberger (42)
He’s thrown for more than 4,000 yards and 20 touchdowns in two of his last three seasons. Yes, he’s 30 years old at this point, but he’s being undervalued in a ton of leagues. You can win a title with Roethlisberger at the helm in both reality and fantasy.
The signing of Tim Tebow in New York (43)
How can this possibly be a good thing? As if being the quarterback in New York wasn’t hard enough for Mark Sanchez, now you bring in a circus side show. When’s the last time a backup quarterback held a press conference? This is insane.
The Cardinals quarterback depth chart (44)
We’ve been wrong many times before, but it sadly looks like we were right about Kevin Kolb not being the long term answer. He has a shot again, but his grasp on the job is shaky at best. John Skelton isn’t the long term answer and Ryan Lindley is light years away.
The “two for one” or “three for one” trade (45)
There are times when this works out for the team involved in getting the package of players or picks back, but it’s also the oldest trick in the book in regards to fleecing an owner. Keep in mind that it’s never a two for one or three for one trade because one team is going to get extra roster spots freed up while the other is going to need to cut players. For more in-depth discussions in regards to trading strategy, I’d suggest visiting the DLF Forum for our free patrons or checking out The Game Plan for our premium subscribers.
Forgetting about leftovers in the fridge (46)
Nothing worse than grabbing a cheese block in the fridge on Saturday, only to have the frightening discovery that you forgot about leftover pizza from Monday. You have to throw it away, but it hurts.
Side note: I seriously just remembered I had pizza in the fridge. Take that #46!
Losing my game by one point (47)
It’s great when you’re on the winning side, but horrible when you’re on the other end. Few things are worse than watching the ups and downs of the games on Sunday, then losing on a seemingly meaningless play on Sunday or Monday night.
Making the wrong lineup decision (48)
We’ve all been there. You debate over two players all week long. You comb through countless sites for their weekly rankings, consult the forum, or even send a question to our mailbag. Just before the games begin on Sunday, you finally make up your mind after an exhaustive process – then find out a few hours later the player you benched goes off for 100 yards and two scores.
Trying to think of something for #49 at 2:00 in the morning (49)
I got it!
People who don’t follow us on Twitter (50)
Eric Dickens – @DLFootball
Eric Olinger – @OlingerIDPGuru
Jarrett Behar – @EyeoftheGator
Jeff Haverlack – @DLF_Jeff
Ken Clein – @DynastyFootball
Ken Kelly – @DLF_Kenk
Ken Moody – @DLF_Kenm
Paymon Shokoohi – @SetMyRoster
Ryan McDowell – @RyanMc23
Steve Wyremski – @SteveWyremski
TheFFGhost – @TheFFGhost
Tim Stafford – @dynastytim
Tom Casale – @ThePigskinGuy