DLF’s Seven Step Program to Enjoy the Season
This is right around the time where you’re going to hit other sites to see their tips for fantasy success this season.
They’re ridiculous.
Anyone on this site is smart enough to know their league’s rules, roster requirements, and waiver systems. If you’re just now finding that out, you’re already behind the eight ball.
At DLF, we cater to the professional fantasy football player. After all, dynasty leagues are simply not for the faint of heart.
To truly enjoy your upcoming fantasy season, there are seven things you must do in order to set yourself up for success.
1. Make Sure Everything in Your Freezer is Buffalo Flavored
Food is a huge part of Fantasy Football Sundays across the land. Don’t be the guy who opens their freezer to find veggie nuggets and tofu.
Your friends will say it’s no problem and eat whatever you have. After they drink their Diet Tab and Gardenburger brand hot dogs, they’ll say they’re happy.
Inside, they’ll hate you.
Beef, chicken, ice cream, whatever. Everything just needs to be buffalo flavored.
2. Place a Desperation Call to your Satellite or Cable Provider
If you have Sunday Ticket or Red Zone, you have to make this call.
You tell them it’s too expensive to afford this year and you want out of it because of the tough economic times.
They may offer you a discounted rate for the season. They may not.
Either way, you treat it like a kidnapping. There’s no price you won’t pay. In fact, if you place this call and they tell you they made a billing mistake and that it’s actually more, you pay it.
In the end, they have your Son. Pay the ransom.
Note: These rules do not apply in actual kidnappings. Â I think you pretty much do what the FBI tells you in these situations. If someone from your provider has actually kidnapped your child, there’s probably some type of middle ground. Not sure on that one.
3. Complete Your “HoneyDo” list*
* = If you are not married, you can skip to #5.
This is as basic as it gets.
You make sure to get a list of all the things your Wife needs done before Fall and you do them now.
This may create a situation where you don’t sleep for two weeks, but it could free up your Sundays.
The list itself is inconsequential. Change light bulbs, sweep porches, build a new garage, create a new Government in Iraq. Whatever.
Do it all. Now.
4. Buy the Pets
If  one of the things on that “HoneyDo” list is breaking down and getting pets for your kids, just do it.
My suggestion would be to get two puppies. You should name one “Red Zone” and the other “Andrew Siciliano.”
The names are NOT a requirement to fulfill this step, however.
5. Manage your Dating Life
If you’re not married and have a steady girlfriend, you have to manage things the right way.
First, you avoid Sunday afternoon dates. They’re obviously a bad idea. However, if your significant other knows how much you love fantasy football, there’s a way to earn some points here.
It involves a lot of Mountain Dew, an Iphone and a carefully planned strategy.
My suggestion is to choose two or three Sundays and offer to go shopping with your girlfriend. She’ll be amazed at your sacrifice, but won’t realize what’s really going on.
You begin drinking Mountain Dew around 12PM EDT. You MUST make sure she sees you doing this. I prefer the 24 ounce bottle, but anything will do.
At 12:50 EDT, you will have to go the bathroom. She’ll obviously understand since she saw you working that Mountain Dew.
You enter the bathroom with 10 minutes to set your final lineup. You do it on your Iphone and get out of there.
Do NOT forget to actually go to the bathroom, though. That’s a rookie mistake.
Continue this process throughout the day, making sure you’re in the bathroom or a dressing room at 3:50 EDT as well to make any afternoon lineup adjustments.
You should also encourage to have her shop away from you from time to time while you “rest” on the bench. This will give you the ability to check scores while she’s gone.
It’s a sound strategy that allows you to be the nice guy, but still not be disconnected.
If you’re married, forget about it. You DO NOT try this. Bad things will happen to you. Terrible, horrible things.
Wives are too savvy to fall for it.
Sick days are seldom used, yet they’re incredibly valuable. We’re not talking about work here, either.
Watch Ferris Bueller for sound strategies to fake the illness.
7. Check your Health
Early September is always a good time for a health screening.Get your cholesterol checked for peace of mind. Consider this a time to stop smoking as well.
Nobody wants to die, especially during fantasy football season. You may have a will, but you likely don’t have someone in place to manage your team. That may be the biggest tragedy of all.
One caveat, though. If you currently have Tim Tebow as your No. 1 quarterback, this is not the right time to stop smoking.
In fact, pick up the habit.
SUMMARY
Ken is on Twitter at DLF_KenK
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